I have been feeling like that poor, old woman on the commercials these days. Grabbing at this magical locket that I should have around my neck, waiting for the cavalry to arrive and scoop me up....but nope, it only exists on TV.
I am sitting here, staring at my work, pondering my life and I am thinking someone save me. It's not just the work, although that has been stressing me to the nines, it's just my life. Everything that goes on every day that keeps piling up and weighing me down. Some days I feel like Atlas, the world on my shoulders, me straining to keep it all up in the air, and have everyone believe me when I make it look like everything is fine. Other days I am Sisyphus, rolling that boulder uphill, almost reaching the top, only having it roll back down and me having to start rolling it up all over again.
I said to my husband the other day, after he came back from his new found passion, kayaking, I need kayaking. Well I don't really need kayaking, but I need an activity like kayaking. An escape as it were. A place where I go and nothing from the outside world touches me while I mentally release the stress and get myself prepared to deal with the world again.
But it's hard, when you're a mom and a woman and you are trained from an early age that everyone and everything in your life is more important than you. That your children, your husband, hell even your mangy dogs haha, have to come before you.
So where do you find a passion when your passion has been taking care of everything and everyone else and it's the only passion you know?
I have no bucket list items breathing down my neck, and the few that are left would hardly be an escape.
And as I sit here wishing for my kayak I am miserable. I have a kid home sick with the flu. Not the way to start the holiday's but it is what it is. I am so upset about it. Not just because she is sick. Of course that upsets me, I hate that she's not feeling well. But because I had plans. Katie, Erin and I were going on a pseudo hockey roadie. Just for a day. We were traveling 4 hours away. To see our old billet play for his new team. We had the most amazing time when we would go to see our team play. I think we liked the car ride better than the games lol!!
We were going to jam out in the car, listen to all of our old favorite songs. The songs we blasted every road trip. Even play our new favorite game of Name That Tune. I was stoked. I was actually looking forward to it. I had my potential kayaking moment. Even if it was just for a day. A day of not working, cleaning up after a house full of people, a pack of dogs, not cooking for the masses, doing laundry, shuttling kids from point A to point B. Not doing ANYTHING *le sigh* I actually let myself think it was going to happen.
Wow was I looking forward to it. I guess it's because I haven't really done anything for me in forever. My awesome trip to Dallas was two years ago. It's sad that I look forward to getting dental work because I know no one can bother me while I get my teeth done!!
So this was like a mini me kind of thing. I wouldn't have to do anything, just focus on me having fun. Me doing me.
Of course it couldn't happen. It would appear that is too much to ask for. Then I feel guilty. Guilty for being so upset our roadie isn't happening. Guilty for being angry my daughter is sick. Guilty for asking to carve out just a little time for me after all I am expected to do. Guilty for wanting to get in my car and ride and ride and ride....
It begs the question at what point is it ok to feel this way? At what point is it ok to say what the hell?? I wasn't asking for much. Just asking for my sanity! What about me? It isn't fair (ok did you all just break into that 80's song with me? What about me? It isn't fair! I've had enough now I want my share....admit it, I know you did!)
I feel guilty. I sound so ungrateful. I should be thankful for all I have. But I can't see the forest for the trees.
So what do I do? I blog I guess. I sit in front of my computer and type my frustration. I said to my 19 year old, I think I am having an existential crisis. She told me it was a mid life crisis. That existential crises are for hip 20 somethings not 47 year old moms hahaha!! I suppose she is right, but it sounds so banal, so downright ordinary that I should be having a midlife crisis after all I have done with my life thus far. But what if I am?
I don't know. The thought scares me, it conjures up all sorts of unsavory images, none of which I want to be associated with. I need to find my passion, something that is my release.
I guess I need to find my kayak.
