All I Want for Christmas....

When people ask me, what do you want for Christmas, or I make a New Years Eve wish as the clock strikes twelve, or I am blowing out birthday candles, a stock answer is usually "my health", “my family’s health”.  Everyone has done this right?. But do we really mean it? I know I thought I did, but I was just saying it.  Recent events have truly kicked me in the ass and made me realize how insincere that sentiment was as I carelessly let it slip from my lips.

My mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas this year before Thanksgiving and my answer was “something no one can give me”. I got that stupid knot in my throat that I get when I think about my life the last how many months before Thanksgiving. 

Mom countered with, “what’s that supposed to mean?” 

I said quite simply, “my health Ma, I want to be whole and healthy again”. As I sat and got absorbed in my self pity after I hung up the phone, I thought of how many times I have wished and prayed for my and my family’s health forever now and realized it was perfunctory.  It was just something I said.

Stuff started happening with my daughter Katie and her heart not too long ago, she is wearing a holter monitor as we speak and she’s on a beta blocker while the cardiologists are trying to figure it why she gets tachycardic the way she does. What the hell, I thought.  She's young, she had some ovarian cysts and that's it,  what in the hell is going on?

Then my grandson got sick, really sick and my world just crumbled.  I had a lot of time to sit and think and I realized just what that wish for my family’s health meant. As I sat in the PICUs waiting area, I bargained with God. I told him He could take my ability to walk, to balance myself, to see, keep me this dizzy forever, whatever MS was doing or taking away from me, if He made my little man better. Saved his little life. I told him He could take everything from me if He would make my Antknee better, make my whole family healthy again.

That is when I think I finally got it. Got what it meant to wish for me to be healthy, for my family to be healthy. When he started getting better, I made a promise that day, I would never just say "my health, any of my loved one's health" when asked what I would like for a gift, what I wanted for them in the New Year, what I wanted for my birthday.  If I was saying it? I was meaning it.  There is no Gucci or Kate Spade handbag that will keep anyone I love healthy, no fancy, waste of money car that I am driving around like a show off that's going to make me happier than my family being ok.

When Brad just asked me what I wanted for Christmas this year and I said I got the best Christmas present ever? That is the truth. No amount of money could buy me a gift that could replace my Anthony being here to celebrate with me. My family being healthy around me.  I want absolutely nothing that money can give me, and let me tell you, that was the most liberating thought in the world.  I have never felt more satisfied, happier than you can imagine with all that I am blessed with.  I am soooo much better off than most, every time I open my refrigerator now, and see the amount of food that is in there?  I say a small prayer of thanks.  I don't have to go to bed hungry like so many do.  Every time my girls and I make cookies, I say a small prayer of thanks. My girls are here with me, I saw little kids who weren't leaving the PICU, and here I am blessed with my girls, having an amazing time, being together and laughing.  Dealing with all I have lately?  Definitely gives you pause, but I like to think I am dealing with all of this because I can.  I can deal, I can understand, I am supported and loved, and we carry each other.  How sad it is that I know so many who put a price tag on happiness because their family lives are so empty?

And that feeling is shared by my family. It has been infectious. When we put our Christmas lights up together and marveled at the wonderland we created, replete with a giant inflatable Snoopy, or Foopy as our little man calls him, for Anthony, my heart was surely ready to explode from my chest. Yeah I was stumbling like a drunken sailor trying to string out lights through our bushes, but I honestly didn’t care.  And yes my Christmas lights have purple bulbs in the strings of color, because if any of you know me, purple is my signature color and it screams Merry to me.

Anthony is home from the hospital, Katie has a plan in place to keep her healthy. Erin is home from college and got all A's in her interior design classes so proud! Bailey's belly is burgeoning with my granddaughter, a healthy, fiesty, little gymnast who likes to wake Bailey up at 5AM every day.  My Heather is growing into this wonderful young woman.  She saw the things Anthony had to live through and I was touched as she cried when Anthony had to get blood work done and was so upset.  Her heart is so gentle it touches mine.  Brad had a wonderful experience at the Crossfit Games, but has chosen to focus only on us for awhile, and I have to admit, I'm not even mad about that lol! My family is here around me.  And me? I will be alright. Because I won’t let it be any other way.

Honestly, I feel sorry for those whose family’s don’t understand that lots of money and possessions mean squat. I wished everyone I know could have felt what it was like putting up my Christmas lights this year. Feel what I felt when I finally understood that all I truly want is for my family to be healthy, happy and together. I seriously feel like the Grinch, my heart is growing three sizes.

For those of you who don’t get it, don’t understand that possessions are meaningless without your health? Who has to have the latest Iphone, or tech gadget, latest popular trending item, fancy car, who are on what I like to call the giant hamster wheel of want? Get over it.  

The phrase the one who has the most toys wins? It's a load of nonsense.  I think it's more like you can't take it with you.  I also like to think it's like my favorite scene from one of my favorite movies Ghost, when Sam says, "It's amazing Molly.  The love inside, you take it with you"

If that's the case? I can die a happy woman, knowing all of the love I will be taking with me.

WI here we come!

Today I have been thinking non-stop about this coming week.  I almost feel like it's Christmas Eve!! So much to look forward to.  We are headed to Wisconsin!  Yeah, ok, I am sure it's not the destination of anyone's dreams like say Hawaii, but the reason we are going? It is a dream come true for us!  We have worked so hard to get here. I chuckle to myself every time I say that out loud. But like Brad said it was "us" that made this possible.

I think back how many months ago when we sat down to discuss this.  Brad said he was considering seriously trying to qualify for the Games.  He had been to Wodopalooza and the Granite Games, several times.  Both amazing events at truly exciting venues.  But they weren't the "big show" in his opinion.  They weren't the Games.  Brad has always enjoyed competing at any level.  Loves to have something to train for to keep him interested.  Anyway, when we sat to discuss him making a run at the Games we both knew what type of time investment he would have to make, and subsequently the rest of the family would have to make, to even try to qualify.  After a bit of talk and processing we both decided the time was right.  He was really doing well in his training.  Things looked promising.

Then, when we were all psyched for the Open, it happened.  He tore his meniscus.  That right there would have been the end of any kind of qualifying dream for most athletes.  But not Brad.  After getting help from a friend who knows knees (her contact name in my phone is Steph-knee lol) we got that situation as under control as we could.  My husband had to manage some pretty grueling qualifying work outs getting his knee drained, getting cortisone injections and wearing a brace.

I have to admit I was kind of pissed though.  Hadn't he dealt with enough?  He had to live through everything with his dad right before Wodopalooza this past year.  He missed so much training taking care of his dad's end of life issues.  When we sat back and talked about that, it was time he would never trade for any training for any competition.  Moments, some so incredibly hard, that he holds so close to his heart and wouldn't have if he didn't make the decisions he did.  He handled all of that so beautifully, with such love and grace.  Being the epitome of the most amazing son of the world. Taking care of both his mom and his dad, single handedly, and honestly not caring about anything but them? He was the reason that that time in their lives was the easiest it could be.  Making it possible to send my father in law to where ever we all may go after our time here is done, comfortably knowing his wife would be taken care of and watched over by us.

As always he would accept no excuses for not doing as well as he wanted at Wodopalooza.  He thought he just didn't perform as well as he knew he could.  When I mentioned to him all he had to live through, and especially the mental aspect and he still managed to do as well as he did? After all of that ffs???  It's what sets him apart from your average athlete.  That ability to overcome and still manage to do all that he did? That mental toughness? That physicality? You are the whole package and you are amazing!

So those were points I made while we were dealing with this whole knee debacle.  Brad was pragmatic as always and not willing to make excuses for anything.  He would do what he could do and if that got him to the Games?  All the better.  And guess what?  It did get him to the Games....

The big show....

The moment we have worked for...

Nothing was handed to you....

Let's add an extra dose of hard just 'cause the fates were being bitchy....

The moment we made it through these obstacles for....

It came in a congratulatory email that only 20 fifty year olds world wide get....

Now he will bring up he qualified at only 19th.  Good, let everyone dismiss you not realizing how much more you had to endure to qualify at all.  Both physically and mentally.  Let them not know you did all of that injured and mentally preoccupied once again..  Believe me when I say I think Brad suffers more with all that I have to deal with than I do.  Because he can't make me better, he can't help me when I try so hard to walk and look normal, when he finds me having moments when I am truly sad about all of this knowing I will always have to deal with some level of disability now.  But he honors me with saying I am the "why" when he hits a workout up and crushes it.  That me showing the strength and fortitude I show with trying to get through every day, smiling, taking care of my family and myself as beautifully as I do according to him?  It makes him want to smash workouts and give it his best to honor me. Stop it you're making me blush Brad!

Conversely? He's my why too.  He is the reason I look forward to waking up every day and see him laying beside me.  I know how lucky I am.  I see how he gives 110% in everything he does from competing, to work, to being a dad, a son and a husband.  He's nothing short of Superman in my eyes.  Just making it, once again dealing with every thing in front of you? And this time on the next level really?  I can't think of many people who could.  Most would just give in to their reality, use it as an excuse.  But not you, you are my Jon Snow (I would have said Arya but you're a boy hahaha!)** my hero.  The toughest man I know with the softest heart *sigh* the reason mine beats.

I am incredibly proud of him no matter where he finishes.  Even if he finishes 20th?  He can still kick almost anyone's ass hands down.  You've had a ton of adversity to overcome both physically and mentally and yet here we are.  Packing our bags and getting ready to hit Wisconsin up.  Watch out Crossfit Games!  Winter is coming**

The dynamic duo is on it's way, you may never know what hit you!!


**shameless Game of Thrones plugs included for my Bud lol.

Life is like a Box of Chocolates

Who doesn't love that line from Forrest Gump?  It's so true, you never know what you're going to get. I jokingly referred to this saying, in regards to my life once, as life is like a Pandora's Box of Chocolates.  I don't think I realized how spot on I was though.

We all know the story of Pandora's box, or I thought I did.  I can guarantee you I didn't open the magical box of MS handed to me out of curiosity to see what would come flying out at me.  In the mythological tale so many awful things flew out of Pandora's box (actually it was a jar) but there was one last thing left after pain, disease, misery and the like burst out, and that was hope. I had forgotten about the hope left in the bottom of that box.  Hope was there, in the bottom of my Box, I just kept choosing to ignore it.  The whole analogy of my life being a Pandora's box of chocolates took on a whole new meaning after I reread the story.  I now find myself grabbing on to my box, and the hope left inside, to make it through every day.

I have this book that Brad got for me right before life threw us this curve ball.  It's called the 5 Minute Journal and it basically is about practicing appreciation.  Learning to be grateful for everything you are blessed with.  Believe me when I say there have been days I'd rather throw the book at the wall than write anything positive, so I don't write, but I find myself reaching for it the next day filled with some renewed sense of gratitude brought about by some of the smallest things in my life (could it be this book is working lol??).  It can be as simple as hearing an I love you from my grandson, or getting blood work back showing my body is doing just fine on this disease modifying drug that I am on that could modify more than just the MS I deal with.  Or maybe it is a check in from one of the many of you, who are usually people I don't normally hear from, talk to, or would even describe as close to me.  It honestly does make me smile because I had no idea that people would take any kind of interest in me and what is going on.  Or maybe it is my husband bringing me coffee in bed every morning with a smile and an I love you *sigh*

I recently found a new neurologist whose specialty is MS.  He spent two and a half hours examining me, taking my history and discussing treatment with me.  Two and a half hours of giving me new hope where there was nothing but a lot of struggle mentally.  He and his nurse were fabulous and I walked out of there feeling like maybe there was a glimmer of light at the end of this dark MS tunnel I stagger down down every day.  It gave me the strength to search for places to try equine therapy, which is supposed to be so helpful for people with Ms.  Or MS support groups.  I found one called ActiveMSers that is a positive only group and they firmly believe that MS is BS, meaning MS is Beatable Someday.  When I get discouraged? When I need hope? I remember this medical team I have now that sent me an email after my visit telling me we had this working together.  I think of the check ins from my friends, I think of my husband and my family literally letting me hold on to their arms while I walk, which I metaphorically compare to them shoring me up during all of this.

I tell myself that with everyone's help, new medications and my new medical team, that MS is beatable (sounds remarkably like hope at the bottom of my Box doesn't it?).  It is why I still work out and keep myself in the best shape I can so when the cure comes, I can get back to working out hard and not miss much.  It is something I pray for every night as I drift off to the land where I am healthy again, running marathons, doing Crossfit hero workouts, lifting crazy weights, and don't ever have to concentrate on walking to make sure I don't fall.  A place where I can drink as much water as I want to and never have to worry about making sure a bathroom is nearby, a place where I can feel the warmth of the sun on my face and not have to worry if it will sap every bit of energy I have and force me off of my feet until I cool off.  A place where I can walk and not have people staring at me trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.  Someday when I wake up I want those dreams to be my reality again and I need to physically and mentally be ready for this.  That's my hope in the bottom of my Box.

I have hope and gratitude way more often than not lately.  I appreciate my life's little triumphs each day, regardless of how small and unimportant they might be to anyone but me.  I have chosen to assemble them into my very own Whitman's sampler. Only my new box of chocolates?  They are all good ones, ones that I will happily share with humanity. I actually look forward to opening this box and adding to it every day.

5 times a charm

I have started this four times now, not really knowing what I want to say or how to put into words what my life has been like.  The last four attempts came out all wrong.  One I was wayyyy too positive, and that, to me, was just a huge lie.  Yes I have positive times, but there are days when I am on the opposite end of the spectrum and feel like crying more often than not.  

One was angry and frustrated. Lashing out at people, the people bitching and moaning over stupid things, like poor me, I can't get my pull ups, poor me, I can't work out because I hurt myself.  Guess what, I feel like screaming, you CAN do the physical things I only dream about doing now.  You WILL heal. I never will ever so I don't want to hear your petty concerns when I am struggling to do regular living things.  

And don't get me started on the people who felt the need to tell me how lucky I am it isn't worse and nonsensical bullshit like that.  Yeah, tell me I am lucky when walking requires every ounce of concentration and energy I have, or how I am not driving because I am so dizzy. I know these people mean well right?  I have to remind myself to think of all of the wonderful friends who reach out to me almost every day, just to check in, say hi, offer to give me a ride if I need one, help with my mundane life stuff if I need it.  In the same breath I need to get past the people who I considered friends near and dear to me that have been pretty much absent during all of this. The people who went absolutely ghost. I try to explain to myself that we all have lives and are busy, or this sort of thing is difficult to deal with for some people, but I don't feel like having to make excuses or being understanding right now. I need the kindness and compassion so many others have offered. I have no desire to soothe someone else during my own issues. 

But still I have a need to release my feelings, to clear my head, maybe a post that needs to get out. Some kind of positive way to let myself move forward and deal with the hand I have been dealt.

Can I though?  My world is spinning wildly out of control. 

More accurately? I have become an illness. 

I look in the mirror and furiously hunt to see someone familiar, someone I used to know. How do I move past this? How do I move past the questions I face in my mind every morning?

I think longingly of when I would looking forward to the day. Spending time in the morning drinking coffee with my amazing husband, planning how our days would go. We'd talk about the workouts we were going to do, what we had to do at work.  It was how I loved to start my day.

Now I wake up because my bladder is screaming at me to move and get out of bed. The urgency is something I go through easily 30 times a day now.  Me getting up and actually getting out of bed? Well that brings up a whole host of what ifs that are pretty unnerving, the first being what if I can't walk? Then what if I can't actually pee?  Or what if the crushing dizziness decides to come back today?  What if the Aubagio keeps making my hair keep fall out like this?  I could continue, but you get the idea.  

After that whole thought process the rest of my thinking gets pretty skewed. I find any positive outlook I am supposed to have difficult to hold on to.  I am locked in a mental battle of I am bigger than this disease and no, you really aren't. Even after three days of infusions, almost 20 days of steroids and being on a disease modifying drug that has insanely unsavory side effects, you still look like a drunk when you walk.  As my daughter and her boyfriend helped me walk on the beach a week or so ago, I said I am getting a t-shirt made that says, "I'm not drunk, I have MS" so people will stop staring at me.  This is my life now, I just want to peel out of my skin and hopefully leave MS with the shedded skin.  That underneath it all is life as I wish it could be.  I feel so betrayed by my body.  I am not asking for much, I just want some kind of normal that everyone takes for granted.

That's the worst part for me I think.  Trying to do something as simple as walking on the beach or even walking to the ladies room while we are out without looking like I am doing a bad impersonation of Captain Jack Sparrow, or needing a personal escort, without the gaping mouths and stares.  It all gets a little discouraging.  The whole positive mental attitude, the whole I am bigger than this kind of flies out the window.   I become self conscious, I try to act like I don't see it, but I do. That it doesn't bother me, but it does.

I want to be able to run into the grocery store and pick up a gallon of milk and run out without having to hold on to a shopping cart for dear life.  Without walking so slow that there are snails and turtles feeling sorry for me as they lap me.  Without it taking forever to do something that used to take me 10 minutes max.  

Yesterday was my daughter Erin's 18th birthday.  I wanted to make her a birthday brunch she wouldn't forget, because breakfast foods are her most favorite things ever.  I knew I needed an early start, I got started by 8:30.  Brad came in and helped me about half way through, and we were done around 11.  I was grateful for the help because honestly?  I couldn't do it alone, I was getting exhausted from the effort.  We enjoyed an awesome brunch together, cleaned up, and I needed a nap. I was so wiped from something that simple, that once upon a time I could do by myself, all burners of my stove going at the same time, no problem.  Not anymore.  After my nap I came downstairs and started making her birthday cake, and dinner.  The cake had to be gluten free, so I made it from scratch, and chicken alfredo was easy enough, but by the time I was done with the next round of cooking I needed to sit. As a matter of fact I had to sit through the whole meal making process, I was thankful our stools were tall enough for me to be able to sit and cook at the same time.  

It was gratifying with how she thanked me, she knows how hard any amount of standing is for me, any amount of physical anything can be for me.  But cooking for my family's birthdays, making their cake, an amazing brunch and favorite dinner is something I have always done, and not something I am prepared to stop doing no matter how hard it is on me.  I'm not ready to wave the white flag on this activity yet. Still it made me sad when I thought of how taxing it was.  When my daughter gave me a hug and kiss and thanked me for the millionth time saying how much she truly appreciated it,  I answered back, "I may not be able to do everything like I used to, but I will always be able to cook for the people I love.

So maybe that's how I develop the positive attitude I need for every day.  Look for and celebrate the things that I can still do.  Not take for granted things like being able to see and try to keep a grateful heart for those things.  Be glad that I am blessed with so many people who will just sit and hold my hand and listen, whether it be in person or virtually, that constantly let me know that they care.  Be grateful that I have the family and husband that I do.  I cannot imagine how hard all of this is on them. How hard it is to see me struggle physically or mentally every day.  I cannot imagine how hard it would be every day for me to not have their love and support.  I think more than for me, but for them I owe them my best effort to make every day the best it can be.  So maybe that will be my plan. My survival guide.  I need to do something because this mental tennis match I play every day is getting old and quite frankly pissing me off.  New strategy, new game plan.  

I will let you know how it all works out.

Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents, which in prosperous circumstances would have lain dormant ~ Horace

It's my holiday and I need to go do a lot of nothing

I have declared today a Danielle holiday.  Yep, a day to just me, I am going to take extra special care of myself today because I have decided today is The First Day of the Rest of my Life Day.  I feel I need to celebrate me. Funny how the contents of a package can make you rethink how you look at things.

Yesterday a knock at the door sort of sent my world spinning.  Well my world sort of spins for no reason a lot of the time but anyway...  The Fed Ex man came with my Aubagio. I cannot get this medicine from my local Walgreens.  It has to be ordered through a special pharmacy and they deliver it every 28 days to be exact. When you decide to be treated with this drug you have to fill out paperwork  and send it back to your doctor.  They fill out their part of said paperwork then send it to Sanofi Genzyme, the developer of Aubagio, and you get enrolled in the OnetoOne program.  They deal with your insurance company.  Quite a process.  So anyway, as sort of a welcome while they get your insurance squared away they send you a 15 day supply of Aubagio to start.  Then a registered nurse calls you. My nurse's name is Darlene, she is assigned only to me and is available 24/7.  She walked me through every thing I needed to know about starting this and what to do if I have anything pop up that I need to report.

She told me not to take my first pill until this morning instead of yesterday afternoon.  I had my daughter's senior concert last night and she said it could cause stomach issues when you first start to take it and stay close to home so I could rest if I needed to.  I told myself ok I can wait a day.  I have stomach issues all of the time without any medicine so big whoop.  Just deal and suck it up buttercup.

But I would be lying if I didn't admit that I have been scaring myself witless about taking this medicine.  Come on Danielle, just consider potential side effects I start thinking for the millionth time, you have every right to be so apprehensive. Alright I mentally chastised myself, I decided I needed to stop thinking like that.  Stay away from the what ifs, they are worthless.  I hate feeling like a little bitch about anything and I wasn't having it.  I screwed up my courage and I took the Aubagio in my hand, which they said to open over something soft in case the pill dropped so it wouldn't break.  It's not like dropping an Ibuprofen on the counter.  We are talking about $340 a pill and while I wouldn't cry over spilt milk, I might over a shattered Aubagio.  I swallowed that sucker like a boss.

That's when I decided I can look at this in a positive or negative light.  I could look at this as this could cause so many issues I don't want to deal with, or, and this is what I am going with, this is going to help change my illness course for the better.  Change me for the better. Swallowing that little tablet was the start of something really good.  Yep, today is the first day of the rest of my life. And isn't that the truth?  Hence my holiday being born.

After I took that pill and with this new attitude coursing through my thoughts, I triumphantly marched back up to my bed and snuggled in.  I started joking around with my husband when he came in our room.  I asked him if I started growing horns yet.  I made my mind up taking that pill that this was truly an exciting moment.  That I was taking control of my illness, that his was indeed the first day of the rest of my life.  I am lucky that I have medications I can turn to change the course of this.

So everyone celebrate the day with me anyway you want to whether it's sitting outside for lunch feeling the warmth of the sun on your skin, maybe read a favorite magazine or book, plant some flowers, tell someone you love them,  call your best friend, scratch your fur babies because a well treated animal makes me happier than I can say.  Wear something purple because purple is my signature color after all. Do something that makes your heart sing.  You have to promise me you will have fun celebrating my day and keep nothing but a positive attitude while you are  enjoying Danielle Day.

Yep, it's Danielle Day!   Someone please have a toast for me since alcohol is something I cannot partake in anymore.

Your hardest times often lead to the greatest moments of your life. Keep going. Tough situations build strong people in the end.” ~Roy T. Bennett

Life Shrinks and Expands in Proportion to One's Courage~Anais Nin

I wrote a blog once upon a time about the word "if" and all of the wonderful possibilities that this word brings.  But lately, I have come to fear the word "if" if it is preceded by the word "what". My world has been turned upside down by the phrase "what if".

My stomach knots. These what ifs keep my ever racing brain company if I wake up in the silently scary wee hours of the morning.  They fly through my head when I am sitting trying to concentrate on the most basic activity.  What ifs pop up while I stagger around trying to get my legs underneath me.

So this morning, after Brad so graciously brought me coffee in bed, I what if'd at Brad.  I told him I had so many what ifs scaring me, I could barely think straight some days. He decided, after reading a book that his Comptrain coaching group sent him for making it to the games, that we would face every thing, just like he was reading in The Obstacle is the Way, we would what if out loud and do away with my fear of the what if.  So we started...

What if I lose my hair?  This is a very real possibility for me with the Aubagio.  I am not a particularly vain person but you know, losing your hair is a pretty upsetting prospect, especially for a woman. There are some guys that can totally pull off being bald, think the Rock, LL Cool J, Cal Ripken. Brad said he would buy me neat hats to wear.  I have always been a hat person, I could potentially live like that if I had to.  I thought maybe we could do like my favorite Calvin and Hobbes comic strip when Calvin cuts off all of his hair and Hobbes colors all of it in again with a yellow sharpie haha!  I guess if I have to choose between an infection in my brain that will cause me to die, or losing my hair as potential side effects from the medications that I need, I will go with Losing my Hair for $600 Alex.

What if I am mean to you guys after my infusions?  Get nasty with the very people who have been supporting me through all of this.  I saw my dad ride the cortisone roller coaster from taking his oral steroids every day.  I read this could be way worse, I really wasn't looking forward to that.  We decided I would warn everyone in my house what was going on and try my best to hide from people until I feel more stable emotionally.

There were so many what ifs, so many scary ideas we tried to put in their place and hopefully they will leave me alone.

I ended our what if session with a doozy.  What if I am bald, in a wheelchair at the Crossfit Games. The ultimate exhibition of fitness on earth.  And there will be me looking like, well like some bald woman in a wheel chair. I got a little vaklempt when he said he would be so proud of me.  All I could think of is what is there to be proud of?  I can't do Crossfit anymore.  My workouts each day are so simple, so basic.  I am definitely not doing anything as impressive as these people do at the Games.

Or am I?

What is more impressive? Strutting around with my ass hanging out in booty shorts with no boobs like most Crossfit women who compete, or waking up each day, forcing myself out of bed, making my way down that scary flight of stairs and helping my girls get out the door to school with a good breakfast in them, and lunches made for their day, me starting their day with an I love you, have a good day and a kiss?

Is it more impressive, to choose to beat myself up physically just to say I can snatch, front squat, back squat or clean whatever heavy weight is prescribed for the workout, or beating myself up physically taking the scary drugs I am prescribed so I can be here for my family, and keep myself as healthy as can be given the circumstances?  Who is stronger metaphorically speaking??

Is it more impressive to have the physical strength to endure a weekend of workouts to be crowned the "Fittest on Earth" or more impressive to manage through that weekend, being the biggest fan and supporter of my husband, making sure I am there for him just as much as he has been here for me since all of this started regardless of how I am feeling physically?

Isn't it more impressive to do all of the research I have done, learned what to do to help myself through diet, supplementation,  and exercise so I can heal myself as much as I can before any medical intervention? More impressive and have the strength to admit that I have to adapt how I work out, with my fan blowing on me and ice water nearby so I cool down and continue working out so I can maintain what good health I have now? Or is it more impressive being able to crush a workout, you and your competitors being the picture of vitality and health. Who is truly showing their strength?

I suppose all of these who is stronger thoughts are there to show myself that I have a lot more going for me than Crossfit, more strength than what comes from cleaning or bench pressing and that is more important than being able to say I RX's a WOD when it comes right down to it.

I have to keep reminding myself I have the strength of 1000 Crossfit athletes when it comes to doing all I have to do each day, to live as normally as possible so I can be a good mom to my four girls, to take care of my 4 beasts, to be an awesome Nee to my Antknee.  Most importantly, I carry myself through every day with the most hopeful attitude as possible to be the best wife I can be to my husband.  The man who is standing beside me and making me feel like everything has a chance at being better than normal, even with all of this yuckiness surrounding me.  Telling me this is an opportunity to change for the better and do things I have never done before, to look at this as the start of something good.

I always wanted to marry a prince who would make my dreams come true.  At least my MS has shown me that I was lucky enough for that to happen.  Hopefully he has a white horse too, I always wanted a horse as a pet, and I understand they do wonders as part of MS therapy.

And suddenly you know: it's time to start something new and trust the magic of new beginnings~Meister Eckhart

You say Bellagio, I say Aubagio

Which ones do I pick I thought out loud to myself.  I am looking lovingly at my collection of knee socks.  If any of you have ever done Crossfit with me, you know how I love my knee socks.  I have a pretty awesome collection.  Unfortunately, due to things going on with me physically, I stopped going to the box, and subsequently stopped wearing my beautiful socks.

But I have been feeling steady enough to get my butt out in the garage and come up with some workouts to keep me sane until all of the medical stuff we have decided to do starts making me feel human again.  So I went into my sacred drawer of sock.  I whispered "hello beautiful" to all of them, missing wearing them and getting my sweat on.  Today I decided it was time to break out a pair, and get my butt into the garage ASAP.  I need working out to stay sane.  I understand, through all of the research I have done, it will do wonders to help me now, while this disease is playing whack a mole in my brain.

See when I started Crossfit 5 years ago, and I know I said this in my last blog, I told the box owner I wanted to be in the best shape of my life in case MS decided to cause me problems.  How prophetic those words turned out to be!  But in hind sight it was a blessing that I got myself mentally and physically tough.  I have needed it, and am going to need it more than ever I am afraid.  I think I would look forward to doing the Memorial Day Murph more than what is in front of me, but doing the Murph all of these years has gotten me here and ready to tackle the challenges ahead.

We learned at my Neurologist visit yesterday that I actually have an active lesion going on in the right half of my brain, hence all of my left side issues now.  A lesion the doctor said we had to tame immediately.  When she started talking about cortisone I panicked.  I saw what it did to my dad.  I have been macro counting like a maniac and losing weight.  Last thing I wanted was that big pie face dad would get.  Or all of the weight gain. Oh the vanity issues.  But the Neuro said I would have to be infused, three days in a row to get this under control.  No oral steroids over a longer course would calm this down right now.  Fabulous.  Ok, I get three days of Solumedrol pumped through my veins.  That's exciting.  Then we moved on to long term treatment.  I asked about the first line drugs, the ones that are supposed to be a little easier to tolerate. The side effects are supposed to be pretty mild. By mild I mean flu like symptoms for three months, stuff like that.  Unfortunately, due to the scleratic lesions present on my Cervical spine, which my MRI showed so beautifully, she said she was concerned that my next active lesion would be on my spine, and in a place that would incapacitate me.  Say again? Incapacitate me?  She said of course we could try the injectable, first line drugs if I felt like that would be what I preferred to do, but she felt like one of the oral ones, due to the previous activity on my spine, would be where we should start.  I countered with what about PML, that's the brain infection that leads to death?  She pointed me to one in particular that doesn't have that risk. She took her time and answered any questions that I, or Brad, had.  Great dialogue, didn't talk down to me, you could see she was impressed by my knowledge, and truly tried to be as informative as she could be without pushing me in any direction.  She sent us home with information to go over and I had to call today with what I chose to be treated with.

Cue the stupid musical loop I created from the name of the medication.  Aubagio.  You say Bellagio, I say Aubagio. You say tomato, I say tomahto....let's call the whole thing off!  Yes, let's do that. While I'm at it, I'd like a dog rescue to retire to too.  If wishes were horses, beggars would ride right?

I am kind of at an angry phase presently through all of this.  I stopped going on FB because you know what? I don't want to see people hitting their PRs at a WOD, or while lifting weights.  I am too busy feeling sorry for myself to cheer you on.  Can't you see I am miserable here?? I get even more pissed when I see someone bellyaching over something stupid.  Are you worried about walking, or seeing, or feeling your feet?  No?  Then stop your complaining for the love of all that's good!!  I hate seeing workouts that I would give my right arm (that's the one that is stronger too) to do, knowing right now (see trying to stay optimistic, because this is only temporary right?) that would be as impossible as me tight rope walking across the Grand Canyon.

I could write a whole blog over what every day is like.  How I sneer at the stairs as I stand at the top one wondering when stairs got so scary to walk down.  Or how I feel like I need a V8 most days.  My favorite is when I feel like I am walking on ice AND need a V8.  Makes walking so much more exciting.  Most days my left leg feels like it's a tree trunk, heavy, wooden, and it doesn't like to pick up much.  It's a good thing my left toes are so completely numb because I stub them quite a bit.  I guess I didn't realize how numb my left side had gotten until my daughter said in total amazement, how are you touching that?  She was referring to the noodle I just plucked off of a spoonful of them I had just taken out of the boiling pot of water to test their doneness.  I thought what is she talking about? Until I burnt my tongue when I popped the damn thing in my mouth.  Ohhhh, you mean the nuclear hot noodle?  It's my super hero power don't you know.  I'd rather be able to turn invisible.

Well enough of that.  The infusion center called, I have to go the week of 5/31 and get my infusions done.  Of course it is at the Bon Secours Cancer Center.  So there was my kick in the ass to stop with my pity party and quit complaining.  This could be so much worse.  I know people so much worse off, I am truly blessed.  It was my smack in the head, thanks I needed that moment.

Being blessed is a condition of the heart and a frame of mind~Erinn Rhorie

When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade~Elbert Hubbard

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade is how the quote goes, first uttered in 1915 if my research is true.

I know some people have been wondering what's up with me.  Life has been a little unsettling lately. I am staring MS squarely in the eye, dealing with some of the stuff that it can bring, but not letting it get the better of me, although some days I feel like it is trying.

Let's rewind however many years ago it was when I suddenly couldn't see out of my right eye anymore. I always likened it to wearing sunglasses, really dark ones, on just my right eye.  I made an appointment with an ophthalmologist pretty quickly who asked me a myriad of questions, are you tired?  Well yeah I was the mom of a two year old and worked full time so yeah, I'm tired.  Do you have any tingling in your arms or legs?  I did have some on my right side when I thought of it, but I had a desk job and just thought my leg and foot were falling sleep a lot.  Do you have any numbness?  No, why do you ask?  Why are you asking me all of these questions?  The Dr. said he suspected I had optic neuritis and that didn't typically occur on it's own but seen frequently with people who have MS.  He sent me for an MRI.  I can remember when they snapped this helmet looking thing over my head and being pushed in a dark tube.  I can remember music playing over the loud banging noises.  Rod Stewart's gravelly voice crooned, If I listen long enough to you, I'd find a way to believe that it's all true....I can still hear it in my mind's eye. or ear as it were lol!

Anyway, I had to wait like a week  (this was about 25 years ago, the Stone Age for technology like MRIs I guess) for the results and I remember calling my doctor for them.  He just so happened to be away on vacation for the next two weeks but his receptionist assured me his associate would be happy to review my results and let me know what they were, hold please.  Nice doctor, picks up, introduces himself to me and I can hear him rustling through my file (yes, they still used paper files back in my day) and making small talk.  Oh I see you have optic neuritis, you went for your MRI last weekand it says here-----how quickly can you come in to our office?  I'd rather discuss these results with you in person was the next thing I heard.  I felt like I just went down the drop on the Terminator when he said that.

I knew what he was going to tell me.  So I ask my boss if I could leave, tears all welled up in my eyes.  The only thing I knew about MS was what I saw in grade school when we would do fundraisers for the MS Society.  I was going to be in a wheelchair, I was going to be an invalid.  After I saw my pseudo-opthamologist with my mom in tow because Brad was stuck at work, he said if I was his daughter?  He'd have his family practitioner do a total physical, see if there could be anything else going on.  MS doesn't have a test to determine if you have it but rather a battery of tests ruling out anything else it could be.  I asked him one question, am I going to die?  He said we are all going to die, but from MS, the likelihood was no.  Ok, I relaxed just a little.  

  

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye ~ Cathy Guisewite

I swear I was blindsided.  How could this be happening to me?  I'm young, have a toddler. When Brad finally got home of course he was upset.  We tried to make sense of things we had no idea how to understand so we did the only thing you could do to obtain knowledge before the internet; we headed straight to the library.  Yes, a library.  Complete with the card catalogue (that always excited me when I was little and had to use it) does anyone else remember the dewey decimal system lol, and us photocopying information from books that we found on the subject.  I felt a little better when I read it didn't necessarily mean I wouldn't be able to walk or I wouldn't be able to see out of that eye properly again.  

I did make an appointment with the best neurologist for MS in our area after seeing our family practitioner.  He said it appeared I did have MS from "the scleratic lesions on the white matter of my brain" they saw in my MRI plus all of the other tests they did.  We weren't going to treat anything just yet.  The only thing available at the time was steroids and seeing what they did to my dad I wasn't too keen on taking them to be honest.  He also said he wasn't going to officially diagnose me until I had another exacerbation somewhere else in my body for insurance purposes.  He didn't want me to get denied with a pre-existing condition.  Why thank you kind sir.  I appreciated that.

It took about six months and my vision returned.  No meds needed, my body healed itself.  I was done being angry at the body I felt betrayed me.  I started making a bucket list of things I wanted to do though.  Being diagnosed with a potentially debilitating disease will do that to ya I guess.

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back ~ Bill Watterson

A lot of life has happened for us since.  I won't bore you with all of the details, just the highlights and some bucket list items thrown in.  Let's see there were three more kids, two new houses, countless foster beasts, how many businesses that ended up with us owning the Ice Zone and SkateNation Plus, plus now 321 Fitness (that's our Bodpod) ooooo and a grandson as the cherry on top.  There were sprint triathlons, Olympic distance triathlons (NYC Tri being my favorite) culminating with me doing Ironman Florida.  Let's toss in a myriad of 5Ks, 10K's, 10 Milers and Marathons.  And who could forget my swim from Alcatraz??  Or how I had been keeping it real with Crossfit the last five or so years after I got burnt out from triathlon training.  I can remember speaking to the Owner of our Box before I started and telling him I had MS. That I wanted to do Crossfit in case, God Forbid, it decided to rear it's ugly head.  I wanted to be in the best shape of my life to tackle it head on. I toned my body, got it strong, got myself mentally tough. I laughed at doing 160 pound back squats, rep 205 for my deadlifts, clean and jerk 110?  Still laughing, this is awesome.  Watch me bench press 130 pounds no problem. Toes to bar, yes please, I could do pull ups, I wanted to do muscle ups some day, I could row like a beast, run like a beast watch me crush a wod, a hero workout.  I loved it.  Still laughing. MS be damned, look at what I am doing!!!  

And then, it happened and I stopped laughing.  

I dropped a bar going overhead on a lift and damn near crushed my head. What was with my left hand?  Running? Why is my left leg dragging?  Box jumps? Nope, I almost killed myself the last time I tried them.  Lunges, I am tipping over, never mind doing them with any kind of weight.  Yeah, I tried to modify my workouts, but things kept getting more and more difficult to do.  I couldn't stand after a hard work out, friends and Brad would bring me ice and ice water to help cool me off so I could move. Anything that required balance was out of the question.  I remember the last workout that I had modified and struggled through so I could do it, and someone commenting on how they admired me for still trying to work out.  That was it, game over.  I have worked out in my garage ever since. Don't need your pity.  I am ok, and will be ok, my mantra being fore front in my mind--there is still a ton I can do, there is still a ton I can do.  I was strong AF, I don't want anyone's admiration for struggling through a workout.  I want to lift, run, box jump, burpee like I used to.  I can still do a lot. A lot more than many so I guess I need to suck it up buttercup.  

Let's skip that record needle one more time to now, and why I am inviting you all at this peek into my life with MS.  It is happening, that next exacerbation that I thought I had outfoxed, out maneuvered, out run, out Crossfitted? It looks like it is here.  Or might be.  Otherwise my feet are numb for no reason.  Or my legs feel like lead for no reason, or I am dizzy to the point I will not let myself drive right now for no reason.  Or I have this awful brain fog for no reason.  Or I am so exhausted by the end of the day, I mean bone crushing lassitude, for no reason.  Misery loves company, so come join me hahaha!!  Actually, that's not it, because I am honestly not miserable.  Frustrated maybe, miserable not so much.  Like my breast cancer scare I have decided to blog what's going on.  It was cathartic for me to blog through it, so I guess I am trying to cope one of the best ways I know how.

I went for an MRI again, this time I had the help of Ativan to keep me from freaking out after they immobilized my head and kept it from moving and stuffed me in the tube for an hour.  I had the most pleasant dreams, one was my dad was rubbing my feet and telling me I was ok and not freak out, the other was my dogs were talking to me lol.  Kind of made me sad when my dogs started talking because then I realized my dad wasn't really there and it was all a dream, or was it,  but that's a blog for another day.  

I have a follow up with my neurologist Wednesday.  Hopefully to discuss treatment options?  I am at the modern day version of a library as I type (the internet is a blessing and a curse for real) and have been educating myself as much as I can about the drugs there are to treat MS now.  Grateful there are choices.  More than just prednisone, but they all come with a hefty list of side effects, none of which are too pleasant.  Yes, I'll take one brain infection that almost always causes death for the win!

I know, like my breast cancer scare, that this is going to be ok.  I've got my family by my side, Brad not letting things be anything other than ok.  Choices of medications, and a lot of determination to get back to Crossfit and the rest of the things in my life that make me happy.  Ain't nobody got time for this...

“I believe when life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade…and try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” ~Ron White

A little bread means a lot

I thought about that as I happily munched my braided Easter egg bread sitting on the deck with my husband this morning.  I sipped my coffee, took a bite of the orangey almondy goodness.  The sweet of the glaze was the perfect accompaniment to the bitterness of my coffee.

I got thinking of eating it growing up, of when my mom sent me the recipe for this particularly tasty one, thought of the piece I sent home with Bailey so she could have it after they hunted eggs this morning. I thought of the day we had planned.  A whole lot of nothing with my family, eating a feast together, and just hanging out. The happiness it brought might seem silly for a taste of bread.  But it wasn't really the bread that made me that happy now was it?

All of sudden I felt this deep sense of gratitude.  Gratitude for the life I have, gratitude for a change I decided to make awhile ago. That I was done with the disease of more.  That I wanted to appreciate all that I had and not wish for anything more.  To truly appreciate the present, immerse myself in it and just be.

To realize that I have everything I need and most of what I want.

I thought it would be so hard to change my thought process and never stop wanting more and more. Surprisingly it wasn't.  Surprisingly it was liberating to break free of those thoughts that held me hostage, realize I don't need anything more.  That I could truly be happy with every thing I have, and to realize the things that truly matter.  The things that don't come with a dollar sign attached. That I don't need to flash in someone's face.  My family?  I marvel at how much I love each one of them. How happy I am when we are together.  Our health?  I realize just how fragile health can be and I pray every day for that for all of those I love.

But fancy cars? No thank you.

Fancy jewelry? Nope.

Time with my people? Yes.

All of us healthy and appreciating all we have?

Yes, please.

I am grateful for holidays like today.  The introspection and peace they give me.  The traditions and memories they have created.

I wish you all a beautiful day.

The biggest challenge after success is shutting up about it - Criss Jami

My husband just looked up this woman who replied to a post of his on Instagram. Her reaction to a lift video he posted was all sorts of excited emojis, about 5 or 6 in a row.  Brad saw that, and wondered who she was.  So he went to her website.  Yes, this woman made a whole website about herself.  I was fascinated.  The biography she wrote about herself was all about these over the top activities like sea kayaking in the Arctic ocean looking for narwhals. I kid you not. I mean she had things in there like horseback riding through Kenya, or doing whatever else in Morocco, or climbing seven of the eight tallest mountains, which she wrote about herself in the third person and made it look like it was being written ever so lovingly by someone who admired the heck out of her. I just imagined herself sitting there fist pumping, high fiving herself, putting heart, fireworks and bomb emojis on it after she put the finishing touch on this exquisite dissertation about herself.

As Brad rambled on about all of the stuff she managed to do, which included a trip to the 2015 Crossfit games in the 60+ category (I think this was the only thing that impressed me to be honest) I said rather dismissively, "Wow". Brad countered with, "this is a woman who obviously grabs the world by the balls". I countered that point, "we should all be granted that luxury". And so this blog post was born.

Why does a woman have to do such grandiose things for anyone to think she is "grabbing the world by the balls?"  I don't mean to diminish all that she has done.  Or maybe I am because I feel like there are way more women out there doing things that don't get recognized as "grabbing the world by the balls" because they seem ordinary to the world at large, but they're not.  

I immediately thought of our waitress at our hotel Miami, Amy.  She was such an amazing person to speak to. She is a single mom working two jobs and putting herself through school to achieve a better life we came to learn after having the pleasure of chatting with her.  Why doesn't our society consider this Herculean feat she is accomplishing on a daily basis as awe inspiring as this woman who has a whole website dedicated to all of this stuff I would never think to do as a mom.  I think what Amy is doing is wayyyyy more impressive. SHE is a woman grabbing the world by the balls.  Making it her bitch, all the while doing it alone.  It wasn't like she was writing this bio about herself as if to say, Hey!  Look at me, I'm awesome right?? 

Why do I consider the woman who held her child's hand in the hospital after her child tried to harm herself more impressive?  The woman who promised her child she wouldn't let anything happen to her, that she would be ok. The woman who made it through some of the darkest moments of her life like she was fine and could withstand what was going on so her child would be able to see the calm in her face and know every thing was going to be alright. Why do I consider what she did wayyyy more impressive than the woman who describes herself as a sportsman and intrepid traveler?

What about women who are grappling with whatever illness they have, depression, cancer, diabetes, alcoholism, insert any illness here, and working every day, or raising their family every day?  Trying to make it through when underneath it all somedays they just don't know where the strength is coming from to put one foot in front of another.  Why don't they realize how freaking beast they are and make a website about themselves?  

What about the women out there brave enough to serve in our military? I know I personally wouldn't have the fortitude.  But many women do serve our country. Some who chose to have children, and have families, have to leave them for eons at a time because our country needs them to perform their jobs and provide us with the safety and security so we can go climb mountains if we want to.  I want to see more websites about them!!  Their mountains are way harder to climb than the summit of Everest I think!

What about teachers?  These are women (and men, but I am ranting about women here so I will leave the boys out of this) who truly mold our future.  We all have those teachers that made such an impact on our lives, we remember them, and what they did for us, so fondly. I would rather read an entire website about these women who are underpaid and completely under appreciated, who truly make a difference in our world by helping our children reach their goals.

Or women who volunteer their time at places like animal shelters, food pantries, homeless shelters, shelters for battered women and their children and such? That selflessly give their time to make the lives of the the innocent, the less fortunate better.  Actions like that impact our world with such a positive energy, why is riding on horseback in Kenya something that is supposed to make me more impressed?  I guess for me it doesn't.  But for some reason it doesn't compel many of these Wonder Women to make up their own website because it's doesn't have the wow factor of retracing the footsteps of Lewis and Clark.

I don't know, like I said to Brad I don't mean to sound ugly, but I know so many women who have done things that blow me away who haven't created a website to let the world know just how awesome they are. Who quietly go about doing what they do, making their impact on our world, all without needing to make a website tooting their own horn.  

But, as for this horn tooter whose website got me all riled up?  When I think of every thing she's done, yes I am impressed, and no, I don't want to take any of it away from her.  I think it's awesome you have accomplished so much in your time on this planet.  I think it's important for women to support each other.  But honestly? How did your actions do anything positive for our world at large?  

I think that's exactly why I want see websites about women who are doing nothing that makes them think they are extraordinary too.  

I think we are all extraordinary to people in our lives.  We are all doing something that makes us special, I just wish we all felt what we are doing makes us exceptional enough to have our very own website.

“Humility is the greatest shaper of souls and crafter of character, for it wipes away all the grandiose things that we spend so much of our lives pretending to be, so that we can spend all of our lives being the exceptional person that we were actually created to be.” 
― Craig D. Lounsbrough

You were made perfectly to be loved - and surely I have loved you, in the idea of you, my whole life long. Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Today is my 27th wedding anniversary. I got thinking about the whole institution of marriage.  What it entails to make a marriage work.  Here are the musings of this mad woman, or a woman who is madly in love :)

I texted a friend this morning who texted me and wished us happy anniversary and said that if her marriage is even half of what ours is, she considers herself lucky.  I texted back thank you of course, that is a truly beautiful thing to hear from someone, but I also wanted to remind my pretty newly married friend that marriage won't always be perfect, it isn't always easy, but it is sooooo worth the effort and commitment.

I think that is a pretty true statement.  I thought of my brother's ex-wife strangely enough after I sent that text.  She was a nice enough person, but I always said while she was planning their wedding, that it appeared to me she was more worried about the fairy tale day and not so much about the "happily ever after" part.  I still believe that to be true.  I wonder sometimes if she had thought about what her golden years with my brother would have been like if she would have married him in the first place. Seeing the "ex" in front of the "wife" tells you the answer was a definite no.

I also wonder about people who make a big fuss about the ring.  I can tell you unequivocally I would have married Brad if he just said to me, let's go to a justice of the peace and get married.  I didn't need a ring to promise my heart to him.  I just wanted to be with him.  It made me think of my mom and dad.  No engagement ring, no big fancy wedding, just them getting married.  They didn't celebrate their anniversary that I could remember, I think it was some time in October, but they were together for 43 years before Pop died.  The last 16 of them spent with my mother being a care giver to a man who went through some pretty horrific times.

Marriage vows bounce around inside my head when I think of them-"for richer or poorer"-they had absolutely nothing when they were first married, yet mom didn't leave dad.  They were a team and made the best with what they had.  "in sickness and in health"-Pop was sick for so long, and mom cared for him.  There was never a question in my mind if she would leave like I think would happen in so many marriages today if the going got that rough.  There was probably a good deal of "for better or for worse" that I was unaware of because that's how easy they made it look.

I can remember asking my mom after my dad died if she would ever consider dating again, and she answered me with something I will never forget.  "No"  when I asked why, she told me she had already had the best.  No one else would ever match up.  You know what?  I get that.  I feel that way about Brad.  No one could fill the space in my heart.  I wouldn't even want to bother.  Any man that thinks I am beautiful before I brush my teeth is a keeper in my book hahahaha!

Anyway, I digress.  Today is nothing but happy thoughts.  Of how lucky we are to have each other. How happy I am you love me no matter how ugly I cry or how bad my morning breath is.  How you are my biggest cheerleader and I am yours.  How blessed we are with our girls, their health.  How amazing it is to be Nee and Op.  The list of how lucky we are is truly endless.

I cannot wait to see what the next 27 years hold.  I am putting my tray table in it's upright and locked position and fastening my seat belt.  Our Golden years are coming for us and this is going to be an even more thrilling part of our ride.

I love you to the moon and back!

A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year~Paul Sweeney

Self pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world ~ Helen Keller

I went to a party on New Years Eve afternoon, no not a real party, my husband and I never get invited to those, but a party I think everyone is familiar with.

A pity party.

The day had started off well enough.  Coffee in bed with Brad, one of my favorite things.  I have been getting dizzy a lot, a sensation I could definitely live without.  I have been veering away from my strict, anti-inflammatory diet lately, there were Christmas cookies and other yummy holiday treasures for me to eat after all, and I was feeling it physically. Toss in the stress and the problems that holiday's can bring to family members, and subsequently me, and I was a right, old mess.  No other way to describe it.

As I tottered around after my lovely morning in bed with coffee and my hubby, I felt like I needed a V-8

kind of like I was walking on ice and so off balance it was disconcerting.  But I had planned to work out with Brad.  We didn't go to the New Year's Eve teamer at our Crossfit Box.  We had a slow start, and I needed that.

So we went into our garage.  Our workout was to be 20 calories on the rower, since we only have one here, I chose to ride our assault bike while Brad rowed.  Then we had to do 16 thrusters.  Another 20 calories rowed or ridden, then 17 toes to bar, I chose to do ab mat sit ups.  I had a bit of an issue with my left grip yesterday, like the kind of issue where I dropped a bar that I was doing shoulder to over head lifts with while it was overhead, causing it to smash into my shoulder and then knee on its way down, ergo, I was nervous to hang from the bar to do my toes to bar from.  Three rounds of that and we would be ready for our fun New Years Eve we had planned.

Fast forward about 15 minutes and I was sweaty, hot, and finished.  I had to sit when we were done.  I really couldn't move to be honest.  Walking was difficult.  My stupid left leg was having none of me working out and overheating.  My husband had to navigate me to our bench press bench, I sat there gulping down my ice water as he was said what a great workout we just had.

At that sentiment, I burst into tears.  I was having my own New Years Eve Pity Party!!  I didn't need to wait for an invite from people that would never come.  I was having my own damned party, and I invited Brad.  He had no choice but to accept this invitation, he was going to come to this party.  Isn't he a lucky man???  There were no party hats, or noise makers. Just me making the noise.

I let the tears flow. I was frustrated. I started rambling out loud, pitying myself and how my body was reacting to working out. I was sad, so sad for the athlete I would never be, sad for all of the hard work I have done at Crossfit and weight lifting for the last how many years that seemed to be going to waste. I thought back to the Ironman I did, the marathons, all of the hard fondos on my bike, long swims with the sharks.  All of that would never have a chance of repeating in my life.  I can't run a mile without my left leg dropping and landing like I am wearing a lead boot.  At this point, I was a blithering idiot. Did I mention I am an ugly crier?  All manner of bodily fluids were running down my face by the time I got everything off of my chest that I had been carrying around with me for the last little while. I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders.  This Atlas finally shrugged under the weight of her emotions.

My poor husband.  He just let me go, let me cry and spew the frustration I was feeling.  I was on the wrong side of life at this moment.

So I am sitting there feeling like I was in the darkest place in my world.  I wanted to be on the sunshine, lollipop and rainbows side of my mind.  I didn't like feeling like I did.

Brad let me finish, let me sop up my mess of a face and he told me just what I needed to hear.  That no matter what happened, we would deal with it together.  No matter what came at me, I wouldn't be alone, I wouldn't have to bear this by myself.  Those words comforted me.  I needed to hear that I was loved unconditionally like that.  Time to put your big girl booty shorts on Dee...how do I feel better and get to that happy place?

I thought of my last blog, about being grateful for all that I have.  If there is one thing I am not?  It is a hypocrite. I am really a lucky woman when I sit back and think.  I could be way worse off physically.  I know that.  Know I am lucky to still be able to scale a Crossfit workout to make my way through it.  I guess in a way, that's sort of bad ass right?

Keep thinking Dee.

Alright, I was able to make a wonderful holiday for my family.  I actually prayed and thanked God every time I opened my refrigerator and saw how much food was in there.  What a blessing that is! To have such abbondanza!  It was such a celebration to share all of that with the people I love!

The thoughts continued....

I was doing laundry today and was able to sneak up behind the door as my daughter Erin was coming in the house and scare her, it's still a sport to scare here.  Only to have her give me an exasperated "Dani-yell" in her best imitation of my Grandma Tav saying my name.  How that makes me laugh!  We laughed and got back to folding my clothes that we are able to afford.  The clothes that keep us warm, that I can wash in my fancy, schmancy washer and dryer.  No beating clothes on a rock here lol!

I heard my daughter Katie belly laughing with her boyfriend at something silly, and hear them laugh and laugh.  A sound that I don't think anyone understands how it wraps itself around my heart and warms me from the inside out.  Makes me so glad to hear after she has struggled so desperately with depression, such an ugly condition.

I remember the excitement my daughter Heather experienced flying the drone her dad got for Christmas and learning how to make it flip, how happy she was for her best friend Quinn to come over to ring in the New Year with her, or snuggle like a baby joey in the Eno hammock tent thingee that she got from her sister.  I smile thinking about her coming up to me and asking for a hug or genuinely wanting me to sit and watch some of our favorite shows together.

I chuckle every time I get a text from Bailey gushing about my Antknee's potty training successes.  I break into a huge grin at each text I read from her.  Makes my heart positively sing to see how beautifully she is raising my little man.  I scold myself for worrying what would happen with Anthony entering this world.

I will be able to cheer my husband on and be his biggest fan at Wodapolooza again this year.  How lucky I am to be going to Miami, I am practicing my yelling loud enough so he can hear me already.   I know how lucky I am to have him in my life these last 28 years.  Lucky that I have been gifted with this man who has worked so hard to provide all he has for my family.  We have every thing we need and most of what we want.  Who loves me as purely as he does.  I am so, so blessed.

Yes, I hear that naggy little voice in my ear whispering, "you have everything you need, except perfect health".  No, I don't, but little voice, hear this, I am doing every thing I can in my power to get better. I will live with whatever life throws at me,  I will handle it. Know why? Because I put my big girl booty shorts on and realized just how lucky I am.

I have my husband, my girls, my Antknee.  I have my extended family if I need them, I have four dogs who are convinced I am the best human they have ever met.  I have all of the beauty I have blogged about before.  I am truly lucky, this I know.  Go to hell little voice....


So I close in saying that I might have been given a bad break, but I've got an awful lot to live for.

- Lou Gehrig