No, I'm not referring to that old Peace Corp commercial, I am referring to mother hood. I've always wanted to have kids. It wasn't even a thing I needed to consider. One time in Kindergarten when they asked us all what we wanted to be you had the smattering of astronauts, princesses, teachers and you had my answer. I simply said, a mommy. Yeah, I aspired to other things as well, you know what it's like when you're little. You're going to be the best Doctor/Actress/Trapeze Artist/Belly Dancer there ever was. But in my heart, I wanted my own little ones and it would be a part of my future.
Fast forward almost 40 years. Here I am, a mommy 4 times over, you'd think my childhood dreams are met. And for the most part they are. But somewhere along the line Danielle Ann Tavernese got lost in the shuffle. I became someone that I am entirely unfamiliar with at times. I am Brad's wife, Bailey's mom, Katie's mom, Erin's mom or Heather's mom. I became a business owner whose primary job is to play with all things numbers. Those of you who know me know that I might rather get a Brazilian wax job every day as opposed to keeping books, yet here I sit about 9 years into this line of work still plugging along. Don't get me wrong, I am extremely appreciative of the flexibility I have with being able to work whenever, I don't know if I could go back into the corporate world again and work someone else's hours. It's hard to be grateful all of the time when you're doing something you truly weren't meant to do. There are certain aspects to owning the businesses we do that are loads of fun, so I tell myself to put my big girl panties on and just do what I have to do. So I do.
When I get all bothered by my life my husband, God Bless him, comes swooping in hoping to rescue me from my confusion. He's been programmed to be a fixer like all boys are, to try and take care of this for me. He wants me to find something I love to do. Yeah I do too, but what would that be? What are MY interests, I don't know anymore because I don't remember Danielle Ann Tavernese. I left her behind so long ago I don't remember what she likes. When I think hard, and Brad thinks along with me, he will pop up with something like Medicine! You always wanted to be a Doctor. For anyone who didn't know, that was really what I wanted to do with my life. I was the only kid on the block whose pen pal was Dr. Michael DeBakey, world renowned heart surgeon. I still have our letters. I realized it with a year left to go in college after going into a communications/broadcasting tract due to some work I did in TV in high school. I was smitten with TV production and my high school had a state of the art TV studio. It was cool expressing myself behind the camera. I even did in college, I was our college TV stations news director. But it didn't make me happy. I knew I wanted to get into the medical field somehow, but fate had other ideas for me. I met Brad, fell in love, trotted off to Chicago after graduation, got married shortly thereafter and worked in whatever line of work I could find while Brad brought home the bulk of our income.
After many moves and a couple of babies, before we found ourselves owning an ice rink, I found a way, sort of, to make the Dr. thing come to fruition. I got my transcripts, and went to orientation for Nursing school. As luck would have it a new Community College was built near our home because my BA in Communication with a minor in Italian would only get me so far with a nursing degree, I had some core courses to take care of there, then I was off to VCU! My ultimate goal was Midwifery after becoming an RN. I was going to bring babies into this world, the thought was so exciting.
Enter that blasted fate thing again. Brad found himself at an auction in NYC buying an Ice Rink. It was something so passionate for him, it was for the future of our ever expanding family, you'd think with me wanting to be a Midwife I'd know how these things happen lol, and I thought it was the best course for our family at the time. I didn't have time for school, a new business and three kids. So my enrollment was put off, for just a little while.
A little while *looks at her calendar* like 12 years later. I am still pondering the question, what makes me happy. I want to find something that defines me. No, triathlons don't, that's what my best friend from high school thought. I said to her, Nope, I like doing them, love training with my husband, have done some really awesome things, like the IM and the swim from Alcatraz. At the very least I will be an interesting grandma with some nifty stories to tell my grand kids, but nope, I wouldn't have chosen to do them if I were looking for something I like to do all by myself. Brad came up with the idea, I happily went along for this ride.
There are a few things I really do like to do when I have the time. I like rescuing stray animals, I like blogging and I still like medicine. I want to do one of them someday when I have the time to enjoy them. There's the rub, when I have the time....It is a precious commodity that I have very little of. I don't want the thing I love to do, the thing that is going to make me happy to be one more thing I have to schedule in my life. I don't need one more thing, you know?
So in the meantime, I keep looking and wondering when the time will come. Maybe I could be the best Blogger/Fostering/Dr. hopeful there ever was.
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