Happy Thanksgiving

As I stood in the kitchen cooking with Heather this morning, I was doing it with a heavy heart.  I am thinking of people like my dad, whose birthday is today, or Jess, who I celebrated previous Thanksgivings with.  People who loved this time of year, Jess' house is decorated already for Christmas.  My dad loved being surrounded by tons of people, celebrating all that he had.  I guess he knew he was a lucky man.

I chastised myself as I peeled my potatoes for feeling sad.  Then my phone chimed I had a text, which I just read a study that said hearing you have a text affects the same pleasure centers in your brain that drugs do, go figure, now I know why I like them so much.  It was from my neighbor across the street.  I had offered my kitchen and to cook whatever she needed this Thanksgiving because she is sick as sick can be and I couldn't imagine dragging myself to make a feast feeling like a truck hit me. Thankfully her husband and boys have it all under control, but like I said, my kitchen is your kitchen.  Don't be bashful, if you need something let me know.  I am thankful that these fine people live across the street from me, that her youngest son and my youngest daughter have been buddies for the whole time we have been here, which if I am remembering right is 10 years.

As I put my phone down I thought I am going to affect some people's pleasure centers in their brains and text them.  Former players and their families that I miss so dearly, that I made Thanksgiving for these last how many years?  Family members that I wish I could be celebrating with.

I got thinking about people in my Midlo Crossfit family, people that make me realize on a daily basis that family isn't necessarily only comprised of the people you were born to.  But the people you surround yourself and nourish your soul with.

Then I hear Anthony.  His squeals are filling the air.  Wrapping themselves around my heavy heart reminding me there is so much to be thankful for.  Look at him, this little miracle that isn't so little anymore.  The answer to many prayers to God for so many things.

And as I type Harley the Boxer as he is affectionately known here, came and nudged me with that huge Boxer head of his.  Putting his head on my lap, looking at me with those soulful Boxer eyes that have seen so much sadness, that walked miles with his mom in the hopes of raising her spirits.  As he layed that big head in my lap I scratched him and found the peace that only a dog can bring my heart.

I hear my girls interacting in the family room.  Excitedly getting Anthony his first meal of sweet potatoes ready so he can have Thanksgiving with us, and another moment my heart is light.  I have these beautiful young women in my life, and I know how lucky I am to have each and every one of them.

For some crazy reason I am reminded of Jack's speech in Titanic:

"I got air in my lungs, a few blank sheets of paper. I mean, I love waking up in the morning not knowing what's gonna happen or, who I'm gonna meet, where I'm gonna wind up. Just the other night I was sleeping under a bridge and now here I am on the grandest ship in the world having champagne with you fine people. I figure life's a gift and I don't intend on wasting it. You don't know what hand you're gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you... to make each day count. 

To you my friends and family, the people that make up the very fabric of my life have a beautiful and blessed Thanksgiving. 

To understanding that life is indeed a gift and to making each day count.....

All Angels Fly Up

I whispered that to my father minutes after he died and we made it to his hospital room.  Said those words hoping his spirit was there, seeing me, hearing me whisper that as if he needed direction to where he was going, as I kissed his forehead for what I knew was the last time.  I heard tale of 21 grams and hoped fervently that this hypothesis was the truth. I wanted him to find the peace he deserved after the epic fight he had put up for the last 20 years of his life.

I said those words again last night.  I prayed for a friend who passed away yesterday morning.  A friend who had struggled with the demons of her past for so long, whose beautiful soul was so grievously injured.  Another person who put up an epic fight, but ultimately lost the battle.  Anyway, not sure how it all happened, but the heavens gained another angel last night.  And once again a little piece of my heart floated up, to rest easy until we all meet again.

My mom, in her infinite wisdom, always said the funniest people are the saddest.  It was no exception for the friend I lost yesterday.  Her sense of humor, her in your face funniness, that was what attracted me to her.  It was only after we struck up our friendship that I truly got to see that other side of her. The saddest, dark side that was yin to her funny yang.

I lost a friend who let me know I wasn't a horrible mom, when horrible things were happening with my child.  That let me know addiction is a horrible disease as much as cancer is, and showed me what a truly beautiful and, at the same time, tortured soul looked like.

I faced things with her, stared down those demons that I didn't want her to face by herself.  Tried to let her know how much she is loved.  How many people needed her.  But I know now, that no matter how hard I tried, how hard all of us that were allowed into that dark space she lived in behind her bright smile tried, that it didn't matter. No matter how much I wanted to make her pain stop, how much any of us did, there just weren't enough rocks....

All she wanted was to be free of all of the horribleness that haunted her.  To have enough rocks.  I would have sent truckloads of them, quarried them with my bare hands, if I knew they would help.

Nothing could really set her free from all that held her captive.  From the ugliness that hurt her.

She is now.

She is free.

She is at peace.

She isn't hurting anymore.

I know we are all reeling.  Grasping at the air for explanations that are never coming, for understanding that we will never have, we never walked a mile in her moccasins, and from what I know we should all be thankful for that.

But for you to be at peace finally Jess?  For you to escape from all that I know you lived through?  I will hurt every day just a little.  I will suffer and carry this because you deserve the peace you have finally found.

So once again, those words escaped my lips.  For you my beautiful friend.  All angels fly up....I love and miss you.