All Angels Fly Up

I whispered that to my father minutes after he died and we made it to his hospital room.  Said those words hoping his spirit was there, seeing me, hearing me whisper that as if he needed direction to where he was going, as I kissed his forehead for what I knew was the last time.  I heard tale of 21 grams and hoped fervently that this hypothesis was the truth. I wanted him to find the peace he deserved after the epic fight he had put up for the last 20 years of his life.

I said those words again last night.  I prayed for a friend who passed away yesterday morning.  A friend who had struggled with the demons of her past for so long, whose beautiful soul was so grievously injured.  Another person who put up an epic fight, but ultimately lost the battle.  Anyway, not sure how it all happened, but the heavens gained another angel last night.  And once again a little piece of my heart floated up, to rest easy until we all meet again.

My mom, in her infinite wisdom, always said the funniest people are the saddest.  It was no exception for the friend I lost yesterday.  Her sense of humor, her in your face funniness, that was what attracted me to her.  It was only after we struck up our friendship that I truly got to see that other side of her. The saddest, dark side that was yin to her funny yang.

I lost a friend who let me know I wasn't a horrible mom, when horrible things were happening with my child.  That let me know addiction is a horrible disease as much as cancer is, and showed me what a truly beautiful and, at the same time, tortured soul looked like.

I faced things with her, stared down those demons that I didn't want her to face by herself.  Tried to let her know how much she is loved.  How many people needed her.  But I know now, that no matter how hard I tried, how hard all of us that were allowed into that dark space she lived in behind her bright smile tried, that it didn't matter. No matter how much I wanted to make her pain stop, how much any of us did, there just weren't enough rocks....

All she wanted was to be free of all of the horribleness that haunted her.  To have enough rocks.  I would have sent truckloads of them, quarried them with my bare hands, if I knew they would help.

Nothing could really set her free from all that held her captive.  From the ugliness that hurt her.

She is now.

She is free.

She is at peace.

She isn't hurting anymore.

I know we are all reeling.  Grasping at the air for explanations that are never coming, for understanding that we will never have, we never walked a mile in her moccasins, and from what I know we should all be thankful for that.

But for you to be at peace finally Jess?  For you to escape from all that I know you lived through?  I will hurt every day just a little.  I will suffer and carry this because you deserve the peace you have finally found.

So once again, those words escaped my lips.  For you my beautiful friend.  All angels fly up....I love and miss you.