Mmmm, spit flavored hummus, my favorite

That came from a dream my husband had, or rather a comment I made about it.  He dreamt we were at this food buffet where they served you.  I am on this ultra-restrictive diet and cannot eat anything in real life, but in his dream I was on this diet too.  Sounds more like a nightmare lol.  Anyway, I was walking down his dreamy food line saying what I typically say in real life, I can't eat that, I can't eat that, I can't eat that....Until we happened on the hummus in his dream, where I said I can eat that (which in real life I can't so the irony is real) and as the dream man went to serve me he licked the spoon, then scooped out some hummus on my plate.  Dream Brad tried to warn me not to eat it.  That the guy licked the spoon but Dream Danielle got nasty and said, "I can't eat anything else! I'm eating it." Great dream right hahaha!?  I got some spit flavored hummus.

I kind of feel like that's what my life is dealing me lately.  Eat this spit flavored hummus and like it. You don't have a choice.  It's your only option.  I have been having some things happening with my health that have been concerning, and this diet has been helping me some, so I am sticking to it. But my life is dealing me spit flavored hummus and it sucks.

I noticed something was going slightly awry at my Godson's wedding back in July.  We were in Central Park, dressed all sorts of fancy.  Found this dress that I absolutely had to have.  I was in love with the simplicity and elegance.  But skirting was heavy, and the black jersey material top didn't breathe very well.  It had just stormed because of the suffocating heat, the humidity was unreal and I was sweating. Profusely. All huge no-nos in the adventure land of MS. 

When they finally called us in to the ceremony, after standing outside for over an hour socializing with my family, I remember walking.  Or trying to rather.  Thankfully my brother was standing in front of me.  He and Brad were chatting as we turned to walk inside. I was talking to my sister in law. I started leaning into Rick's back.  It felt like I was walking on the side of my left foot.  I felt like I was going to fall. I stupidly told my sister in law my shoe was bothering me.  That's what I thought was going on.  As everyone started to move faster I realized my leg wasn't working the way it was supposed to. I frantically reached over and grabbed Brad's arm, my throat getting tight, I was close to tears.  I was honestly scared.  I tried to remain calm, and Brad, ever my savior, smoothly maneuvered my non-walking legs out of the crowd's way as I started rambling that things weren't right.  He managed to get me into the air conditioning with a minimum of fan fare and seated me with my family who all promptly asked what was wrong.  I had to explain my left leg acted up due to the heat. The AC was a blessing.  As I started to cool off, everything started feeling alright again.  First time since being diagnosed 23 years ago, that I had to blame MS for me not being able to function.  I don't like the feeling of not being in control of things in my own body.  I hated the attention it drew from all well meaning family members.  I down played everything.  Said I was absolutely fine.  But sat at our "kids" table as I affectionately dubbed it, because it was all of the cousins that had to sit at the kids table during Thanksgiving at Nan's house once upon a time, and I tried not to move around much.  I did try to slow dance once with Brad, but things didn't work out so well. It was a vvveeerrryyyy slow dance, more like rocking side to side.  We went back to our seats so I could drink more water, which I found myself wishing actually had ice so it would help me cool down faster, but it wasn't helping. We wound up leaving the wedding early.  I needed to get out of that dress and completely cooled off.  I knew I would be fine in our hotel room, and I started feeling more myself once I was in my pj shorts and a tank top..

Things have gotten better.  With the help of this anti-inflammatory diet, plus learning good stress management and getting sufficient sleep, I feel better.  Everyday stuff is fine, even in the blast furnace that Virginia became the last part of the summer.  I have stayed inside for the most part. Transitioning from inside to outside is something I do my best to avoid.  

I haven't been Crossfitting hard and heavy like I used to love to.  When I do?  That whole left leg feeling funny thing and acting weird happens.  Scares the hell out of me, so I do my best to avoid it, especially in public.  I work out in my garage because if I fall there? It's like a tree falling in the woods without a witness.  Did it really happen hahaha??  At least I am working out still I tell myself. Certain lifts are still at a decent weight, but anything to do with squatting or my legs?  I go pretty light, and just do my best.  Add to it I have arthritis in my right knee and well, squatting just isn't going to happen the way I want it to.  

Most days I feel like I am fighting gravity.  Kind of like that old commercial for V-8 in the 80's where the people are all walking at a diagonal.  Or my legs feel heavy and it takes awhile before I feel like they are underneath me.  

I was just at the Granite Games as my husband's official cheering section.  Health, vitality and fitness ubiquitously filled the air.  I was jealous, truly sad that I wasn't one of those healthy people.  I noticed this younger woman being pushed around in a wheel chair by her obvious boyfriend or husband.  Big burly guy, Crossfitter's beard, you knew he was competing.  She was in her mid to late twenties if I were a guessing woman.  So young to be sitting in a wheelchair and I wondered what her story was. Then I saw it, the Orange ribbon, the MS ribbon tattooed on the back of her husband or boyfriend's leg.  I never did work up the nerve to ask if she had it.  I figured if she did, she was feeling like I was. All out of place around these insanely fit people. 

I stopped my pity party then though.  I told myself at least I was walking, racing around actually, to some of the events to watch my husband compete.  At least I had control still.  And I am doing everything in my power to keep the health I have now.  Trying to heal some of what's going on by eating this non-inflammatory diet.  I am thinking it's time to find a neurologist though.  Just going to a family practitioner isn't enough I don't think.

I sit and wistfully think of all of my beautiful heels in my closet some days.  No, I'm not crazy.  I love my shoes and I don't know that I will ever be sashaying around in them again.  So many pairs, each my favorite for one reason or the other.  They look sad sitting in their boxes, waiting for me to put them on and show them off again.  Hopefully someday I will again.

And there's that dress, the dress I HAD to have.  The dress that started my issues.  I am giving it a second chance at my best friend's upcoming nuptials.  It's not it's fault that the leg thing happened. I still love that dress and am hoping for a better time in it.  Only this time, no beautiful heels.  I will be wearing these instead