WI here we come!

Today I have been thinking non-stop about this coming week.  I almost feel like it's Christmas Eve!! So much to look forward to.  We are headed to Wisconsin!  Yeah, ok, I am sure it's not the destination of anyone's dreams like say Hawaii, but the reason we are going? It is a dream come true for us!  We have worked so hard to get here. I chuckle to myself every time I say that out loud. But like Brad said it was "us" that made this possible.

I think back how many months ago when we sat down to discuss this.  Brad said he was considering seriously trying to qualify for the Games.  He had been to Wodopalooza and the Granite Games, several times.  Both amazing events at truly exciting venues.  But they weren't the "big show" in his opinion.  They weren't the Games.  Brad has always enjoyed competing at any level.  Loves to have something to train for to keep him interested.  Anyway, when we sat to discuss him making a run at the Games we both knew what type of time investment he would have to make, and subsequently the rest of the family would have to make, to even try to qualify.  After a bit of talk and processing we both decided the time was right.  He was really doing well in his training.  Things looked promising.

Then, when we were all psyched for the Open, it happened.  He tore his meniscus.  That right there would have been the end of any kind of qualifying dream for most athletes.  But not Brad.  After getting help from a friend who knows knees (her contact name in my phone is Steph-knee lol) we got that situation as under control as we could.  My husband had to manage some pretty grueling qualifying work outs getting his knee drained, getting cortisone injections and wearing a brace.

I have to admit I was kind of pissed though.  Hadn't he dealt with enough?  He had to live through everything with his dad right before Wodopalooza this past year.  He missed so much training taking care of his dad's end of life issues.  When we sat back and talked about that, it was time he would never trade for any training for any competition.  Moments, some so incredibly hard, that he holds so close to his heart and wouldn't have if he didn't make the decisions he did.  He handled all of that so beautifully, with such love and grace.  Being the epitome of the most amazing son of the world. Taking care of both his mom and his dad, single handedly, and honestly not caring about anything but them? He was the reason that that time in their lives was the easiest it could be.  Making it possible to send my father in law to where ever we all may go after our time here is done, comfortably knowing his wife would be taken care of and watched over by us.

As always he would accept no excuses for not doing as well as he wanted at Wodopalooza.  He thought he just didn't perform as well as he knew he could.  When I mentioned to him all he had to live through, and especially the mental aspect and he still managed to do as well as he did? After all of that ffs???  It's what sets him apart from your average athlete.  That ability to overcome and still manage to do all that he did? That mental toughness? That physicality? You are the whole package and you are amazing!

So those were points I made while we were dealing with this whole knee debacle.  Brad was pragmatic as always and not willing to make excuses for anything.  He would do what he could do and if that got him to the Games?  All the better.  And guess what?  It did get him to the Games....

The big show....

The moment we have worked for...

Nothing was handed to you....

Let's add an extra dose of hard just 'cause the fates were being bitchy....

The moment we made it through these obstacles for....

It came in a congratulatory email that only 20 fifty year olds world wide get....

Now he will bring up he qualified at only 19th.  Good, let everyone dismiss you not realizing how much more you had to endure to qualify at all.  Both physically and mentally.  Let them not know you did all of that injured and mentally preoccupied once again..  Believe me when I say I think Brad suffers more with all that I have to deal with than I do.  Because he can't make me better, he can't help me when I try so hard to walk and look normal, when he finds me having moments when I am truly sad about all of this knowing I will always have to deal with some level of disability now.  But he honors me with saying I am the "why" when he hits a workout up and crushes it.  That me showing the strength and fortitude I show with trying to get through every day, smiling, taking care of my family and myself as beautifully as I do according to him?  It makes him want to smash workouts and give it his best to honor me. Stop it you're making me blush Brad!

Conversely? He's my why too.  He is the reason I look forward to waking up every day and see him laying beside me.  I know how lucky I am.  I see how he gives 110% in everything he does from competing, to work, to being a dad, a son and a husband.  He's nothing short of Superman in my eyes.  Just making it, once again dealing with every thing in front of you? And this time on the next level really?  I can't think of many people who could.  Most would just give in to their reality, use it as an excuse.  But not you, you are my Jon Snow (I would have said Arya but you're a boy hahaha!)** my hero.  The toughest man I know with the softest heart *sigh* the reason mine beats.

I am incredibly proud of him no matter where he finishes.  Even if he finishes 20th?  He can still kick almost anyone's ass hands down.  You've had a ton of adversity to overcome both physically and mentally and yet here we are.  Packing our bags and getting ready to hit Wisconsin up.  Watch out Crossfit Games!  Winter is coming**

The dynamic duo is on it's way, you may never know what hit you!!


**shameless Game of Thrones plugs included for my Bud lol.

Life is like a Box of Chocolates

Who doesn't love that line from Forrest Gump?  It's so true, you never know what you're going to get. I jokingly referred to this saying, in regards to my life once, as life is like a Pandora's Box of Chocolates.  I don't think I realized how spot on I was though.

We all know the story of Pandora's box, or I thought I did.  I can guarantee you I didn't open the magical box of MS handed to me out of curiosity to see what would come flying out at me.  In the mythological tale so many awful things flew out of Pandora's box (actually it was a jar) but there was one last thing left after pain, disease, misery and the like burst out, and that was hope. I had forgotten about the hope left in the bottom of that box.  Hope was there, in the bottom of my Box, I just kept choosing to ignore it.  The whole analogy of my life being a Pandora's box of chocolates took on a whole new meaning after I reread the story.  I now find myself grabbing on to my box, and the hope left inside, to make it through every day.

I have this book that Brad got for me right before life threw us this curve ball.  It's called the 5 Minute Journal and it basically is about practicing appreciation.  Learning to be grateful for everything you are blessed with.  Believe me when I say there have been days I'd rather throw the book at the wall than write anything positive, so I don't write, but I find myself reaching for it the next day filled with some renewed sense of gratitude brought about by some of the smallest things in my life (could it be this book is working lol??).  It can be as simple as hearing an I love you from my grandson, or getting blood work back showing my body is doing just fine on this disease modifying drug that I am on that could modify more than just the MS I deal with.  Or maybe it is a check in from one of the many of you, who are usually people I don't normally hear from, talk to, or would even describe as close to me.  It honestly does make me smile because I had no idea that people would take any kind of interest in me and what is going on.  Or maybe it is my husband bringing me coffee in bed every morning with a smile and an I love you *sigh*

I recently found a new neurologist whose specialty is MS.  He spent two and a half hours examining me, taking my history and discussing treatment with me.  Two and a half hours of giving me new hope where there was nothing but a lot of struggle mentally.  He and his nurse were fabulous and I walked out of there feeling like maybe there was a glimmer of light at the end of this dark MS tunnel I stagger down down every day.  It gave me the strength to search for places to try equine therapy, which is supposed to be so helpful for people with Ms.  Or MS support groups.  I found one called ActiveMSers that is a positive only group and they firmly believe that MS is BS, meaning MS is Beatable Someday.  When I get discouraged? When I need hope? I remember this medical team I have now that sent me an email after my visit telling me we had this working together.  I think of the check ins from my friends, I think of my husband and my family literally letting me hold on to their arms while I walk, which I metaphorically compare to them shoring me up during all of this.

I tell myself that with everyone's help, new medications and my new medical team, that MS is beatable (sounds remarkably like hope at the bottom of my Box doesn't it?).  It is why I still work out and keep myself in the best shape I can so when the cure comes, I can get back to working out hard and not miss much.  It is something I pray for every night as I drift off to the land where I am healthy again, running marathons, doing Crossfit hero workouts, lifting crazy weights, and don't ever have to concentrate on walking to make sure I don't fall.  A place where I can drink as much water as I want to and never have to worry about making sure a bathroom is nearby, a place where I can feel the warmth of the sun on my face and not have to worry if it will sap every bit of energy I have and force me off of my feet until I cool off.  A place where I can walk and not have people staring at me trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.  Someday when I wake up I want those dreams to be my reality again and I need to physically and mentally be ready for this.  That's my hope in the bottom of my Box.

I have hope and gratitude way more often than not lately.  I appreciate my life's little triumphs each day, regardless of how small and unimportant they might be to anyone but me.  I have chosen to assemble them into my very own Whitman's sampler. Only my new box of chocolates?  They are all good ones, ones that I will happily share with humanity. I actually look forward to opening this box and adding to it every day.

5 times a charm

I have started this four times now, not really knowing what I want to say or how to put into words what my life has been like.  The last four attempts came out all wrong.  One I was wayyyy too positive, and that, to me, was just a huge lie.  Yes I have positive times, but there are days when I am on the opposite end of the spectrum and feel like crying more often than not.  

One was angry and frustrated. Lashing out at people, the people bitching and moaning over stupid things, like poor me, I can't get my pull ups, poor me, I can't work out because I hurt myself.  Guess what, I feel like screaming, you CAN do the physical things I only dream about doing now.  You WILL heal. I never will ever so I don't want to hear your petty concerns when I am struggling to do regular living things.  

And don't get me started on the people who felt the need to tell me how lucky I am it isn't worse and nonsensical bullshit like that.  Yeah, tell me I am lucky when walking requires every ounce of concentration and energy I have, or how I am not driving because I am so dizzy. I know these people mean well right?  I have to remind myself to think of all of the wonderful friends who reach out to me almost every day, just to check in, say hi, offer to give me a ride if I need one, help with my mundane life stuff if I need it.  In the same breath I need to get past the people who I considered friends near and dear to me that have been pretty much absent during all of this. The people who went absolutely ghost. I try to explain to myself that we all have lives and are busy, or this sort of thing is difficult to deal with for some people, but I don't feel like having to make excuses or being understanding right now. I need the kindness and compassion so many others have offered. I have no desire to soothe someone else during my own issues. 

But still I have a need to release my feelings, to clear my head, maybe a post that needs to get out. Some kind of positive way to let myself move forward and deal with the hand I have been dealt.

Can I though?  My world is spinning wildly out of control. 

More accurately? I have become an illness. 

I look in the mirror and furiously hunt to see someone familiar, someone I used to know. How do I move past this? How do I move past the questions I face in my mind every morning?

I think longingly of when I would looking forward to the day. Spending time in the morning drinking coffee with my amazing husband, planning how our days would go. We'd talk about the workouts we were going to do, what we had to do at work.  It was how I loved to start my day.

Now I wake up because my bladder is screaming at me to move and get out of bed. The urgency is something I go through easily 30 times a day now.  Me getting up and actually getting out of bed? Well that brings up a whole host of what ifs that are pretty unnerving, the first being what if I can't walk? Then what if I can't actually pee?  Or what if the crushing dizziness decides to come back today?  What if the Aubagio keeps making my hair keep fall out like this?  I could continue, but you get the idea.  

After that whole thought process the rest of my thinking gets pretty skewed. I find any positive outlook I am supposed to have difficult to hold on to.  I am locked in a mental battle of I am bigger than this disease and no, you really aren't. Even after three days of infusions, almost 20 days of steroids and being on a disease modifying drug that has insanely unsavory side effects, you still look like a drunk when you walk.  As my daughter and her boyfriend helped me walk on the beach a week or so ago, I said I am getting a t-shirt made that says, "I'm not drunk, I have MS" so people will stop staring at me.  This is my life now, I just want to peel out of my skin and hopefully leave MS with the shedded skin.  That underneath it all is life as I wish it could be.  I feel so betrayed by my body.  I am not asking for much, I just want some kind of normal that everyone takes for granted.

That's the worst part for me I think.  Trying to do something as simple as walking on the beach or even walking to the ladies room while we are out without looking like I am doing a bad impersonation of Captain Jack Sparrow, or needing a personal escort, without the gaping mouths and stares.  It all gets a little discouraging.  The whole positive mental attitude, the whole I am bigger than this kind of flies out the window.   I become self conscious, I try to act like I don't see it, but I do. That it doesn't bother me, but it does.

I want to be able to run into the grocery store and pick up a gallon of milk and run out without having to hold on to a shopping cart for dear life.  Without walking so slow that there are snails and turtles feeling sorry for me as they lap me.  Without it taking forever to do something that used to take me 10 minutes max.  

Yesterday was my daughter Erin's 18th birthday.  I wanted to make her a birthday brunch she wouldn't forget, because breakfast foods are her most favorite things ever.  I knew I needed an early start, I got started by 8:30.  Brad came in and helped me about half way through, and we were done around 11.  I was grateful for the help because honestly?  I couldn't do it alone, I was getting exhausted from the effort.  We enjoyed an awesome brunch together, cleaned up, and I needed a nap. I was so wiped from something that simple, that once upon a time I could do by myself, all burners of my stove going at the same time, no problem.  Not anymore.  After my nap I came downstairs and started making her birthday cake, and dinner.  The cake had to be gluten free, so I made it from scratch, and chicken alfredo was easy enough, but by the time I was done with the next round of cooking I needed to sit. As a matter of fact I had to sit through the whole meal making process, I was thankful our stools were tall enough for me to be able to sit and cook at the same time.  

It was gratifying with how she thanked me, she knows how hard any amount of standing is for me, any amount of physical anything can be for me.  But cooking for my family's birthdays, making their cake, an amazing brunch and favorite dinner is something I have always done, and not something I am prepared to stop doing no matter how hard it is on me.  I'm not ready to wave the white flag on this activity yet. Still it made me sad when I thought of how taxing it was.  When my daughter gave me a hug and kiss and thanked me for the millionth time saying how much she truly appreciated it,  I answered back, "I may not be able to do everything like I used to, but I will always be able to cook for the people I love.

So maybe that's how I develop the positive attitude I need for every day.  Look for and celebrate the things that I can still do.  Not take for granted things like being able to see and try to keep a grateful heart for those things.  Be glad that I am blessed with so many people who will just sit and hold my hand and listen, whether it be in person or virtually, that constantly let me know that they care.  Be grateful that I have the family and husband that I do.  I cannot imagine how hard all of this is on them. How hard it is to see me struggle physically or mentally every day.  I cannot imagine how hard it would be every day for me to not have their love and support.  I think more than for me, but for them I owe them my best effort to make every day the best it can be.  So maybe that will be my plan. My survival guide.  I need to do something because this mental tennis match I play every day is getting old and quite frankly pissing me off.  New strategy, new game plan.  

I will let you know how it all works out.

Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents, which in prosperous circumstances would have lain dormant ~ Horace