Who doesn't love that line from Forrest Gump? It's so true, you never know what you're going to get. I jokingly referred to this saying, in regards to my life once, as life is like a Pandora's Box of Chocolates. I don't think I realized how spot on I was though.
We all know the story of Pandora's box, or I thought I did. I can guarantee you I didn't open the magical box of MS handed to me out of curiosity to see what would come flying out at me. In the mythological tale so many awful things flew out of Pandora's box (actually it was a jar) but there was one last thing left after pain, disease, misery and the like burst out, and that was hope. I had forgotten about the hope left in the bottom of that box. Hope was there, in the bottom of my Box, I just kept choosing to ignore it. The whole analogy of my life being a Pandora's box of chocolates took on a whole new meaning after I reread the story. I now find myself grabbing on to my box, and the hope left inside, to make it through every day.
I have this book that Brad got for me right before life threw us this curve ball. It's called the 5 Minute Journal and it basically is about practicing appreciation. Learning to be grateful for everything you are blessed with. Believe me when I say there have been days I'd rather throw the book at the wall than write anything positive, so I don't write, but I find myself reaching for it the next day filled with some renewed sense of gratitude brought about by some of the smallest things in my life (could it be this book is working lol??). It can be as simple as hearing an I love you from my grandson, or getting blood work back showing my body is doing just fine on this disease modifying drug that I am on that could modify more than just the MS I deal with. Or maybe it is a check in from one of the many of you, who are usually people I don't normally hear from, talk to, or would even describe as close to me. It honestly does make me smile because I had no idea that people would take any kind of interest in me and what is going on. Or maybe it is my husband bringing me coffee in bed every morning with a smile and an I love you *sigh*
I recently found a new neurologist whose specialty is MS. He spent two and a half hours examining me, taking my history and discussing treatment with me. Two and a half hours of giving me new hope where there was nothing but a lot of struggle mentally. He and his nurse were fabulous and I walked out of there feeling like maybe there was a glimmer of light at the end of this dark MS tunnel I stagger down down every day. It gave me the strength to search for places to try equine therapy, which is supposed to be so helpful for people with Ms. Or MS support groups. I found one called ActiveMSers that is a positive only group and they firmly believe that MS is BS, meaning MS is Beatable Someday. When I get discouraged? When I need hope? I remember this medical team I have now that sent me an email after my visit telling me we had this working together. I think of the check ins from my friends, I think of my husband and my family literally letting me hold on to their arms while I walk, which I metaphorically compare to them shoring me up during all of this.
I tell myself that with everyone's help, new medications and my new medical team, that MS is beatable (sounds remarkably like hope at the bottom of my Box doesn't it?). It is why I still work out and keep myself in the best shape I can so when the cure comes, I can get back to working out hard and not miss much. It is something I pray for every night as I drift off to the land where I am healthy again, running marathons, doing Crossfit hero workouts, lifting crazy weights, and don't ever have to concentrate on walking to make sure I don't fall. A place where I can drink as much water as I want to and never have to worry about making sure a bathroom is nearby, a place where I can feel the warmth of the sun on my face and not have to worry if it will sap every bit of energy I have and force me off of my feet until I cool off. A place where I can walk and not have people staring at me trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me. Someday when I wake up I want those dreams to be my reality again and I need to physically and mentally be ready for this. That's my hope in the bottom of my Box.
I have hope and gratitude way more often than not lately. I appreciate my life's little triumphs each day, regardless of how small and unimportant they might be to anyone but me. I have chosen to assemble them into my very own Whitman's sampler. Only my new box of chocolates? They are all good ones, ones that I will happily share with humanity. I actually look forward to opening this box and adding to it every day.
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