When people ask me, what do you want for Christmas, or I make a New Years Eve wish as the clock strikes twelve, or I am blowing out birthday candles, a stock answer is usually "my health", “my family’s health”. Everyone has done this right?. But do we really mean it? I know I thought I did, but I was just saying it. Recent events have truly kicked me in the ass and made me realize how insincere that sentiment was as I carelessly let it slip from my lips.
My mom asked me what I wanted for Christmas this year before Thanksgiving and my answer was “something no one can give me”. I got that stupid knot in my throat that I get when I think about my life the last how many months before Thanksgiving.
Mom countered with, “what’s that supposed to mean?”
I said quite simply, “my health Ma, I want to be whole and healthy again”. As I sat and got absorbed in my self pity after I hung up the phone, I thought of how many times I have wished and prayed for my and my family’s health forever now and realized it was perfunctory. It was just something I said.
Stuff started happening with my daughter Katie and her heart not too long ago, she is wearing a holter monitor as we speak and she’s on a beta blocker while the cardiologists are trying to figure it why she gets tachycardic the way she does. What the hell, I thought. She's young, she had some ovarian cysts and that's it, what in the hell is going on?
Then my grandson got sick, really sick and my world just crumbled. I had a lot of time to sit and think and I realized just what that wish for my family’s health meant. As I sat in the PICUs waiting area, I bargained with God. I told him He could take my ability to walk, to balance myself, to see, keep me this dizzy forever, whatever MS was doing or taking away from me, if He made my little man better. Saved his little life. I told him He could take everything from me if He would make my Antknee better, make my whole family healthy again.
That is when I think I finally got it. Got what it meant to wish for me to be healthy, for my family to be healthy. When he started getting better, I made a promise that day, I would never just say "my health, any of my loved one's health" when asked what I would like for a gift, what I wanted for them in the New Year, what I wanted for my birthday. If I was saying it? I was meaning it. There is no Gucci or Kate Spade handbag that will keep anyone I love healthy, no fancy, waste of money car that I am driving around like a show off that's going to make me happier than my family being ok.
When Brad just asked me what I wanted for Christmas this year and I said I got the best Christmas present ever? That is the truth. No amount of money could buy me a gift that could replace my Anthony being here to celebrate with me. My family being healthy around me. I want absolutely nothing that money can give me, and let me tell you, that was the most liberating thought in the world. I have never felt more satisfied, happier than you can imagine with all that I am blessed with. I am soooo much better off than most, every time I open my refrigerator now, and see the amount of food that is in there? I say a small prayer of thanks. I don't have to go to bed hungry like so many do. Every time my girls and I make cookies, I say a small prayer of thanks. My girls are here with me, I saw little kids who weren't leaving the PICU, and here I am blessed with my girls, having an amazing time, being together and laughing. Dealing with all I have lately? Definitely gives you pause, but I like to think I am dealing with all of this because I can. I can deal, I can understand, I am supported and loved, and we carry each other. How sad it is that I know so many who put a price tag on happiness because their family lives are so empty?
And that feeling is shared by my family. It has been infectious. When we put our Christmas lights up together and marveled at the wonderland we created, replete with a giant inflatable Snoopy, or Foopy as our little man calls him, for Anthony, my heart was surely ready to explode from my chest. Yeah I was stumbling like a drunken sailor trying to string out lights through our bushes, but I honestly didn’t care. And yes my Christmas lights have purple bulbs in the strings of color, because if any of you know me, purple is my signature color and it screams Merry to me.
Anthony is home from the hospital, Katie has a plan in place to keep her healthy. Erin is home from college and got all A's in her interior design classes so proud! Bailey's belly is burgeoning with my granddaughter, a healthy, fiesty, little gymnast who likes to wake Bailey up at 5AM every day. My Heather is growing into this wonderful young woman. She saw the things Anthony had to live through and I was touched as she cried when Anthony had to get blood work done and was so upset. Her heart is so gentle it touches mine. Brad had a wonderful experience at the Crossfit Games, but has chosen to focus only on us for awhile, and I have to admit, I'm not even mad about that lol! My family is here around me. And me? I will be alright. Because I won’t let it be any other way.
Honestly, I feel sorry for those whose family’s don’t understand that lots of money and possessions mean squat. I wished everyone I know could have felt what it was like putting up my Christmas lights this year. Feel what I felt when I finally understood that all I truly want is for my family to be healthy, happy and together. I seriously feel like the Grinch, my heart is growing three sizes.
For those of you who don’t get it, don’t understand that possessions are meaningless without your health? Who has to have the latest Iphone, or tech gadget, latest popular trending item, fancy car, who are on what I like to call the giant hamster wheel of want? Get over it.
The phrase the one who has the most toys wins? It's a load of nonsense. I think it's more like you can't take it with you. I also like to think it's like my favorite scene from one of my favorite movies Ghost, when Sam says, "It's amazing Molly. The love inside, you take it with you"
If that's the case? I can die a happy woman, knowing all of the love I will be taking with me.
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