Well Now It Hurts, and I'm Not Touching it...

We interrupt the blog post I was previously writing to bring you this news flash lol!

I went back to St. Francis today.  Dr. DogFur called the Dr. at St. Francis that wrote my radiology report and told him he didn't agree with what was on there.  The Dr. at St. Francis did not concur with Dr. DogFur.  So they decided that I would go back to St. Francis for yet another ultrasound, then, if it was necessary, a biopsy.

This sat ok with me.  I didn't like the thought of waiting six months and getting a recheck.  What if this is a thing, as my cousin called it? I let it grow inside me for 6 months.  What if it's an aggressive thing?  I wasted 6 months not beating it into submission.  That is just not something I was willing to do.  So I went back.

I had to be there at 8:30.  Brad came with me, I needed him to be with me in case I needed the biopsy. I have been wrestling with getting a needle stuck in my boob. Definitely didn't relish the thought of that.  They called me back.  Brad and I got up to go back and the nurse said, "sorry he can't come with you."  I felt like the floor dropped out from under my feet but I thought that was just for the ultrasound.  There are many women back where they were taking me getting mammograms and such, must be they didn't want some random guy back there.  Surely if I need this biopsy he'll be able to be with me.

Nicest radiology nurse though, she took me to a cubicle where I could "undress from the waist up" yeah, I know the drill.  Robe opens in the front, I'll open the curtain and let you know when I am ready.  I start undressing and there is the mirror there.  I am staring into it, watching in some kind of macabre fascination at the woman who is getting changed in front of me.  I am looking for myself in this reflection, but I see someone so unfamiliar.  Scared, alone, feeling out of control.  I shook my head, closed my eyes, wrapped my robe around me and slid the curtain open.

The Nurse came and got me, she sat with me and explained how they were doing the ultrasound first. That maybe the first one was wrong if the surgeon, Dr. DogFur, didn't see it.  She had me drop the right side of my robe and she proceeded to ultrasound me.  There it was, plain as day.  Foiled again I thought.  I was hoping Dr. DogFur was right, but that was not the case.  She put a towel on my right side to cover me up and said she would get the Dr. who would be doing the biopsy to come in.  In the meantime we chatted away.

What a nice woman this radiology nurse was! Her name was Carrie.  Her fiance is in the Navy and he's stationed in Florida and he's a Crossfit enthusiast.  Anyway, that got me started, yay!  I have something to talk about so I can forget I am laying here getting ready to have my right boob skewered.  She mentioned I was in great shape, I told her it was because I did CrossFit and that's when she told me about her fiance.  I told her how much I loved Crossfit Midlo, the owners, the coaches and the people that I worked out with.  All in all an amazing community.  She countered with she wasn't in good shape and how could she possibly keep up with everyone.  Oh, give me the chance to expound the virtues of CrossFit!!  Like I said, she got me started, and I spent the better part of 20 minutes telling her she needed to get herself to CrossFit Midlo and get involved in what might be the best workout she's ever done.  I needed this diversion!

Finally the Dr. was done biopsying the liver he was working on and came in.  Nice guy, young, sheesh, I should have asked Doogie Howser for his credentials I was thinking when he said he was going to do one last ultrasound.  My boob was a pro at them by now.  Ok, hit it at 11:00, and there it is, once again.  He put the wand down and said he didn't feel comfortable just leaving this alone and not figuring out what it was, we were proceeding with the biopsy.

.......I WANT BRAD HERE WITH ME NOW!!! But nope, that was not to be.  Bad experiences previously when they allowed supporters back during procedures.  Now, you had to go it alone, there was that woman's reflection from the dressing room mirror again......

Then he said to Carrie get the kit out.

gulp

Didn't that sound ominous?  Ok, this is happening I realize.  They are going to cut into me and I am getting this thing biopsied.  Sweat started blooming across my forehead.  I remember stupidly thinking, I'm glad this isn't a mammogram because then I wouldn't be wearing deodorant and with me sweating like this, no bueno...my mind switched gears, came back to the present and I was watching Carrie get the stuff out of the kit. I saw various syringes,  other things that weren't easy to identify from my vantage point.  I watched the Dr. gown and glove up and I suddenly thought I didn't eat breakfast.  My breathing was getting a little more rapid and my vision was getting a little wavy as he snapped his gloves on and he swabbed me down with Betadine.  I wanted to scream to stop, that I wasn't ready, I wanted time to think about this, I wanted Brad.  Him putting a sterile drape over my breast got me realizing time was out and I needed to suck it up and just do this.  Enough screwing around and waiting I said to myself sternly, the Dr.'s voice jolting me back to reality.  He said he was going to use the ultrasound wand to guide his instruments to do the biopsy, first he was going to numb me.

I asked him to hold up for a minute.  That I needed a second.  I told him I was nervous.  I didn't like the thought of him injecting anything there and I was going to be talking, a lot.  That Brad and I joke around that girls talk as much as we do because we hear voices in our heads and we talk to drown them out.  That those voices were screaming like fools in my head right then and they would have to hear me chatter to drown them out and calm myself.  Carrie and the Dr. thought that was right funny and laughed like loons at that explanation. They assured me that was fine, do what I needed to do.  Then I told the Dr. he would have to tell me everything he was doing because I am a control freak and I couldn't see over the drape and that would keep me sane.  Another round of laughter from the audience, thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week, try the veal...

Ok, I am injecting you with the lidocaine now....

Maybe it was my eyes, maybe it was my hand reaching instinctively for Brad's and he wasn't there, don't know really, but Carrie came over and grabbed my hand and held it.  I relaxed and the Dr.started his work.

I can't say it was bad really, I have been through way worse.  On a scale of one to ten, I'd give a ten, it had a good beat and I could dance to it hahaha, seriously though, I'd give it a 4.  I was really ok, especially after the initial injection.  The end was uncomfortable when he got a second sample of the mass, I didn't like that very much, but it was ok.  I didn't even know when I got my little Titanium marker inserted into the mass.

After I got cleaned up, my incision was glued closed.  Carrie came over and said it was still wet and I couldn't get dressed so I started blowing on the glue to dry it faster. Carrie was laughing at that and started fanning it with her hands as I blew.  She knew I wanted to get out of there.  After a few minutes I was allowed to sit up, then after she made me sit for a few minutes I was finally allowed to stand.  I had to go for another mammogram, to show the Titanium marker and I was done.  I got dressed, looked at myself in the mirror and wondered where that other reflection was.  She wasn't there, I saw myself again and I was glad.  I kept staring at myself thinking only good news was coming my way.  That I was going to fall into the 75% of good new recipients.  I just want this behind me.

I went back to the room where they biopsied me and Carrie was still there.  I thanked her for helping me get through the way she did.  For talking to me, distracting me, and holding my hand.  I hugged her and told her to look up CrossFit Midlo.  That way I'd get to see her again. She was a genuinely nice person and I could see myself being friends with her.

I went out into the waiting room to find Brad.  He was in the corner dozing off. I guess there was nothing good to read lol!  When he smiled at me, I knew I was ok.  He helped me get in my jacket and we walked to the car.  I calmly told him everything they did as we walked along, we got in the car and I promptly burst into tears.

Where the hell did that come from?

I guess I needed to release.  I was so busy joking around, trying to keep myself in control during the biopsy, deal with all the merry-go-round nonsense these last few weeks that those tears got buried and wanted to get out.  I breathed in and out, Brad hates to see me cry, and I gathered myself together.  Brad asked if he could take me for a green tea Frappucino and I readily agreed.  Nectar of the gods those damn things are, I figured I earned one.

So now we wait.  It's only two days.  I will hear something by tomorrow.  I have been jerked around so long it was nice to know I only had two more days to go in this waiting game.

But I know in my heart I will be in that good news percentile.  I won't let it be any other way.  And if you could continue to pray for me for this outcome, I would appreciate it.  These past few weeks' events need only be good fodder for my blog and nothing more.

As always, I will keep you posted.  I can't wait to get back to my regularly scheduled life.....

Go to Hell, I've Been There and it's Painted Federal Blue

Yesterday was the day that was supposed to ease my mind one way or the other.  The day that could potentially change my life. Instead I walked away more confused than anything.  Let me explain.

My appointment with my surgeon was at 10:15, we get there with a good 10 minutes to spare.  We pull in front of a building with a "For Sale" sign on it.  That should have been my first clue things weren't going to go well.

Anyway, we go inside and it was painted the colors of a young boys room. Federal blue and Burgundy.  Made me think it needed heavy,  dark wood furniture, toy soldiers and a choo choo train toy box somewhere.

We go to the elevator and push the button.  We are only going to the third floor but my legs felt a little wobbly and I didn't want to take the stairs.  We waited, and waited and waited.  Finally Brad suggest we take the stairs or I was going to be late.  I agree.  Big mistake.  It's like Monday night at Bingo smoky in there (don't know if any of you went to Bingo as a kid with your Grandmother, but if you did, you'll understand).  Gross...

We get to the office, I go to the receptionist desk to sign in and see a stack of boxes and such that a hoarder would be proud of.  Floor to ceiling stacked and looking messy.  My mind starts clicking into business owner mode.  As one of the aforementioned, I know that first impressions are so important.  If one of my businesses looked like this, well, one of my businesses wouldn't look like this....'nuff said.

I go sit next to Brad, I won't mention how archaic their office equipment was, or the handles missing from their cabinets behind the desk, nope, not bringing those up, and I finally get called back.  The nurse who takes us back keeps referring to Brad as "my helper" and proceeds to piss off my already rattled mind.

I am put in an exam room with an office partition and small desk crammed in there, there is a nurse on the phone who gleefully explains she was "displaced" from her desk and this is her office.  She apologizes for being in there and proceeds to stay talking on her phone until my history is done by the other nurse.  Brad is standing there looking around like we must be in the wrong place...

The other nurse leaves and the Dr. comes in.  Again, first impressions get me.  He is in his scrubs, that looked ok, but it's the ratty navy blue fleece covered in white dog fur that got me.  For real?  Are you really wearing that seeing patients?  Couldn't you at least vacuum yourself or something?  Please tell me you don't biopsy wearing that....

He gets to the exam, and then says he wants to ultrasound my breast.  Fine, he pulls over the wand from an ultrasound machine that Brad later joked with me "Didn't you see him bang the side of it a few times to get it started?" and I said it should have had hamsters running on wheels to power it it looked so old.  He is zeroing in on 11:00 o'clock, like who knew boobs could tell time, because that's the vicinity the radiologist saw the mass in.  And.....

He can't find it.....

He did tell me he could show me Mickey Mouse on there though.  Thank Goodness, that made me feel worlds better.

I sit up, I'm done and say, "so there's nothing there?"  And he basically tells me he cannot find what the radiologist saw.  My head is spinning.  I saw it on the mammography, I saw it on the ultrasound at St. Francis, and he couldn't find it.  He didn't look any farther than 11:00 on breast.  Did that make a difference?  I asked him about my scary radiology report.  About the mass with irregular borders, about the Bi-rad rating it received.  He said that he couldn't agree with the report since he didn't see what the other Dr. saw but that he would call him and discuss.  That St. Francis's would be calling me, for what?  I guess another ultrasound?  That I need to go back to St. Francis and get biopsied there.  That this is small enough we can watch and wait even, say what??  Come again?

Done, you are now dismissed....by Dr. Dog Fur.  Have a nice day.

I walk out trying to be happy, thinking this is a good thing, but nothing is settling with me.  After awhile of chewing on all that just happened, I finally say out loud to Brad everything that was bothering me about my appointment.  I decide I am finding someone else to see.  I will get another ultrasound at St. Francis, I will take my results and I will go to another Doctor and get another opinion.

I will not watch and wait, I will be proactive.  And as always, I will keep you posted.

I Thought I Was Ok....

So, as you all know, I have my appointment this week for my biopsy consult.  I was asked to get my referral, get my radiology report, get the CD of my mammography sent to my surgeon. Like a good patient I went ahead and made all of my necessary phone calls to get the ball rolling last week.  I called today, just to make sure everything was sent and of course nothing was......

WTF?????

Really??  I made my phone calls, did what was expected of me and for nothing.  So I made a whole new battery of phone calls today.  First one, I was leaving my message for the referral coordinator at my primary care physician.  You have to leave a list of info as long as your arm but it was the last part that got me.  You had to leave a reason why you needed the referral.  Ok, I start to leave the reason why and my voice got all quivery.  I had to clear my throat several times to be able to leave that part.  I must be hormonal I think, shaking the bad thoughts out of my head.

Next call.

This one is to St. Francis Medical Center. I need a CD of my mammography.  I get transferred to Mammography and the nicest woman answers the phone.  She pulls up my chart, and says, "You had your mammography done on January 29th.  Is that the one, oh, no wait, I see you had something, you needed to come back for more imaging.  Ok, I see that you got an ultrasound too.  I can have your CD ready in a half hour, is that soon enough?"  I tried to find my voice to say yes.  But it wasn't there, it was caught, all knotted up. I coughed several times and apologized.  I explained we had a cold in our house, and thanked her.  I got off the phone with her and chastised myself.

What the hell are you doing Danielle??  Nothing is wrong here! NOTHING!!  But still, I have tears trickling down my cheeks.  Tears of worry, tears of what ifs, tears that I have pushed so far to the back of my mind because I don't know what's going on and I didn't want to waste a minute of worry on them.

Still, they come screaming out today.  The dam burst and they flow.  This is just so stupid, I am angry at myself for this momentary weakness.  This is nothing.....

But I find myself upstairs in my bathroom.  Staring at myself in the mirror, naked from the waist up, I've been here before.  And maybe that's the problem, I have been here before.  And maybe that's why I'm scared.

VD, big deal

Sounds cynical doesn't it?  Valentine's Day is really no big deal in my humble opinion.  I don't need one day a year to love my husband more than I do every other day.  Oh, yes, you got me flowers today because it means you love me....Puh-leeze....Every day is Valentine's Day for me.  I use every day to show my husband how much I love him, that I appreciate him.  And he makes me feel like the most beautiful woman on earth every single day.  He doesn't need February 14th to do that.

But then I saw my daughter get excited over buying Valentine's Day presents for a friend.  She announced to me that she and her friend were getting each other gifts because they don't have male interests right now, and wanted to do something nice for each other.   I thought that was pretty cool. I got thinking of my friends.  I realized something these last few days. I have more friends than I thought.  More people who say I mean something to them.

So my Valentine this year will be my friends too!  See, I never knew just what everyone thought of me until my recent health scare.  After I blogged about it people started getting real with me.  The loveliest sentiments came pouring in from everywhere.  I was called an amazing woman by so many, strong too, who me?  How can it be?

I am loved, admired and respected by people who I look at in awe most days for the things they can do. These are the amazing people and here they are saying such beautiful things to me.  People said that I made their world a better place because I am in it.  But how, I don't do anything....Just how do you respond to comments like this, "Know that you are a blessing to many Danielle!  I am better because I know you...", or "I know you will be fine.  You are too strong and loved not to be...." or "I've worked out enough with you and know you are crazy strong!" or "You are wonderful and strong and surrounded by people who love you..." or "you are an amazing and strong woman so many many people love and support you..." or " I would have hugged you longer" or "we will stay positive for you"  or "prayers and positive vibes coming your way..." to simply "I love you".  I even had a comment from a cousin reminding me I have my grandmother's blood coursing through my veins. She was a tough old bird.  She faced adversity how many times in her life and was the most fantastic woman.  I DO have Nanny's blood in my veins, I will face adversity again and come out ok.

But oh how these words from these people touched my heart.  My eyes got all rheumy trying to type them, that big, old knot taking up residence in my throat once again, rendering me incapable of speech without tears dripping from my words.

I have nothing to give any of you that were so kind to me when I needed it most.  I wish I were a millionaire. I would take you all away with me.  Somewhere warm and sunny with beautiful beaches and tropical drinks. I wish I could repay you for the joy, happiness and warm fuzzies that have taken up residence in this once despondent, scared and worried soul.

I know, no matter what the outcome of this biopsy is, I will truly be ok.  How could I not be with all of you wrapping your invisible arms around me and carrying me through my despair?

Thank you everyone I wish I had more to offer.  I sadly do not.  I can offer you my sincerest gratitude, and love.  And if you ever need anything, let me pay forward your kindness.  I owe you all big....

Does it Hurt? Then stop touching it!

That phrase came to mind today as I stood naked from the waist up, manhandling the hell out of my right breast in front of a mirror.  I was feeling for whatever it was they said was potentially wrong with it.

It Starts....life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think everything's ok and everything's going right.....

Rewind......

I went for a mammogram less than a week ago.  I received a letter from St. Francis Medical Center saying something to the effect that it showed, "a finding that requires Additional Imaging studies for a complete evaluation" please call this number, blah, blah, blah....So I called.  I wish I could remember everything the nice nurse from Radiology said, but alas, I cannot.  She did say the radiologist saw part of my right breast tissue was different from my last screening.  I don't remember the rest.  My mind started racing trying to understand.  What was that you were saying?  Yes, I will make my appointment ASAP Ma'am....and with that she transferred me to scheduling.  I go today at 2:30.

See, I've been here before.  Getting tests done to see if there is something more ominous brewing.  I thought I was ok last time too, but I hit that jackpot.  I got the phone call asking me to come to the office ASAP for my results because I couldn't get them over the phone.  No one ever wants to hear that.  So now I go again. I am running through the same emotions, same thing telling myself it will be fine.  But will it?

I keep telling myself not to fret, this is nothing.  But that little voice keeps whispering in my ear, "yeah, your body betrayed you last time you thought it was nothing".  I thought it was only one debilitating disease per customer.  I have MS, isn't that enough of a cross to carry?

The day after....there has to be a morning after....

So I had my mammogram done.  Nicest lady with the coldest hands got to handle my right boob. We did other angles.  She explained to me that sometimes tissue lays on top of tissue and gives the appearance of a solid.   A solid?  Oh, ok, can I faint now or later?  Unfortunately it was not the case this time.  I could see the area she was talking about no matter what angle we took the image at.  Off to the Ultrasound room. Again, lovely nurse there.  She explained how ultrasound compliments the picture taken by the mammography machine.  She did it once and told me to sit tight.  She needed the radiologist to come in.  We did the ultrasound again, this time with him in the room.  He had her freeze a particular shot and he turned the screen towards me.  "There, right there, that's what we are looking at"  as he pointed to what was an obvious difference in the image.  He explained to me I had a solid mass in my right breast.  Small, about the size of the tip of his pinky.  But there it was all the same.  Amazing how something so small can have such big ramifications.

I walked out of the radiology department to a waiting 17 year old daughter who wanted to come with me since my husband was out of town.  She asked me what happened and I wished with my whole heart that I could say it was a mistake.  Just a shadow on my image.  But instead I explained I needed a biopsy. I tell her it would be ok, wanting to believe that with my whole heart.  I texted my husband who was in a meeting in Buffalo to tell him to call me when he got out.  Called my mom because I didn't want my youngest to hear the conversation I was about to have.  "hey Mom, yeah, just got done with everything...........no it didn't go as well as we had hoped.....cue the massive hiccup and sob coming out of me........they found a mass in my right breast is what they called it mom.....no we're not certain what that means right now....he did say if it was anything serious it was caught early enough and extremely treatable.....I settled down after a mile or two of driving.  Got my wits about me, realized I lost it in front of my 17 year old like a blithering idiot, and made myself get positive.  Only that image must have stayed with her.

When we got home, after my 10 year old went outside, my 17 year old  sat down in the living room with me.  We started talking the "what ifs" of this situation.  Although we KNOW it will be okay, I needed to let them know that even if we get some not so wanted news after the biopsy, I will carry on.  I will be okay.  I have wayyyy too much to do here, way too many people who need me, I can't go anywhere and I won't.  I'm good like that.  So anyway I told her if it came down to it, and I needed chemo I would shave my head.  My way of controlling the hair loss thing.  That's when my billet son looked at me and said, "you shave your head, I shave mine"  Then Katie said she would too. Meanwhile another boy who works out here, came in on the middle of this conversation.  He asked what was going on and I decided I might as well tell him, because really this is nothing. I calmly stated they found a mass in my right breast and he looked like I punched him in the stomach.  His face dropped but then he said, I'll dye my shaved head pink too Mama Robinson (that's what they call me).  Was I wrong to be so touched?  These kids are wanting to share in this, wanting to help me through my scary time any way they can.  This made me smile.

I go to my GYN today for my well woman visit.  To schedule the biopsy.

later in the day....whatcha doin?  Nothin chillin at the Holiday Inn.....

Biopsy scheduled for 2/21.  A ways into the future.  Two weeks to be exact.  But it's with a skilled breast surgeon.  It's his first appointment available.  I keep telling myself it's ok to wait.  Whatever it is has been growing in my breast for how long now?  Another two weeks is not going to make or break me.  Besides I KNOW this is nothing. Just some stupid fibroid something or other that decided to take up residence in the mostly unlikely of places.

I think about getting this done.  I don't want to have a needle stuck in me there.  I don't want them to cut a piece out of my breast either.  I don't want any of this to happen!!!

                                  STOP!!!!!!

If only life worked that way.  So I wait.  I wait to find out I'm ok.  Because I won't be any other way. Because I have so much to do, because I tell my girls all of the time I take care of myself the way I do because I don't want to leave them because I love them so much....I wait.

Today...is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you...

And I chronicle all of this.  I don't know why, I guess writing is my way of coping.  I share this hoping that I help someone, somehow.  Maybe your day wasn't going as well as planned, but really in the grand scheme of things it's probably not all that bad when you really think about it, right?  Maybe some of you have had to walk down this road with either side of the biopsy results and have sage wisdom for me.  I am still dazed and confused and carrying on.  But I keep telling myself this will all be ok, this will all be ok...

I know not all of you are religious but I am.  Don't know if there's a true religion or one God listens to over the other, so I ask for all you to pray for my strength whether it's to God, Allah, Wicca, Buddha, or Neon Korean Baby Jesus, just pray.  I could use your help.

I promise to keep you all posted.

.....and all the roads we have to walk are winding....