I Thought I Was Ok....

So, as you all know, I have my appointment this week for my biopsy consult.  I was asked to get my referral, get my radiology report, get the CD of my mammography sent to my surgeon. Like a good patient I went ahead and made all of my necessary phone calls to get the ball rolling last week.  I called today, just to make sure everything was sent and of course nothing was......

WTF?????

Really??  I made my phone calls, did what was expected of me and for nothing.  So I made a whole new battery of phone calls today.  First one, I was leaving my message for the referral coordinator at my primary care physician.  You have to leave a list of info as long as your arm but it was the last part that got me.  You had to leave a reason why you needed the referral.  Ok, I start to leave the reason why and my voice got all quivery.  I had to clear my throat several times to be able to leave that part.  I must be hormonal I think, shaking the bad thoughts out of my head.

Next call.

This one is to St. Francis Medical Center. I need a CD of my mammography.  I get transferred to Mammography and the nicest woman answers the phone.  She pulls up my chart, and says, "You had your mammography done on January 29th.  Is that the one, oh, no wait, I see you had something, you needed to come back for more imaging.  Ok, I see that you got an ultrasound too.  I can have your CD ready in a half hour, is that soon enough?"  I tried to find my voice to say yes.  But it wasn't there, it was caught, all knotted up. I coughed several times and apologized.  I explained we had a cold in our house, and thanked her.  I got off the phone with her and chastised myself.

What the hell are you doing Danielle??  Nothing is wrong here! NOTHING!!  But still, I have tears trickling down my cheeks.  Tears of worry, tears of what ifs, tears that I have pushed so far to the back of my mind because I don't know what's going on and I didn't want to waste a minute of worry on them.

Still, they come screaming out today.  The dam burst and they flow.  This is just so stupid, I am angry at myself for this momentary weakness.  This is nothing.....

But I find myself upstairs in my bathroom.  Staring at myself in the mirror, naked from the waist up, I've been here before.  And maybe that's the problem, I have been here before.  And maybe that's why I'm scared.