I went back to St. Francis today. Dr. DogFur called the Dr. at St. Francis that wrote my radiology report and told him he didn't agree with what was on there. The Dr. at St. Francis did not concur with Dr. DogFur. So they decided that I would go back to St. Francis for yet another ultrasound, then, if it was necessary, a biopsy.
This sat ok with me. I didn't like the thought of waiting six months and getting a recheck. What if this is a thing, as my cousin called it? I let it grow inside me for 6 months. What if it's an aggressive thing? I wasted 6 months not beating it into submission. That is just not something I was willing to do. So I went back.
I had to be there at 8:30. Brad came with me, I needed him to be with me in case I needed the biopsy. I have been wrestling with getting a needle stuck in my boob. Definitely didn't relish the thought of that. They called me back. Brad and I got up to go back and the nurse said, "sorry he can't come with you." I felt like the floor dropped out from under my feet but I thought that was just for the ultrasound. There are many women back where they were taking me getting mammograms and such, must be they didn't want some random guy back there. Surely if I need this biopsy he'll be able to be with me.
Nicest radiology nurse though, she took me to a cubicle where I could "undress from the waist up" yeah, I know the drill. Robe opens in the front, I'll open the curtain and let you know when I am ready. I start undressing and there is the mirror there. I am staring into it, watching in some kind of macabre fascination at the woman who is getting changed in front of me. I am looking for myself in this reflection, but I see someone so unfamiliar. Scared, alone, feeling out of control. I shook my head, closed my eyes, wrapped my robe around me and slid the curtain open.
The Nurse came and got me, she sat with me and explained how they were doing the ultrasound first. That maybe the first one was wrong if the surgeon, Dr. DogFur, didn't see it. She had me drop the right side of my robe and she proceeded to ultrasound me. There it was, plain as day. Foiled again I thought. I was hoping Dr. DogFur was right, but that was not the case. She put a towel on my right side to cover me up and said she would get the Dr. who would be doing the biopsy to come in. In the meantime we chatted away.
What a nice woman this radiology nurse was! Her name was Carrie. Her fiance is in the Navy and he's stationed in Florida and he's a Crossfit enthusiast. Anyway, that got me started, yay! I have something to talk about so I can forget I am laying here getting ready to have my right boob skewered. She mentioned I was in great shape, I told her it was because I did CrossFit and that's when she told me about her fiance. I told her how much I loved Crossfit Midlo, the owners, the coaches and the people that I worked out with. All in all an amazing community. She countered with she wasn't in good shape and how could she possibly keep up with everyone. Oh, give me the chance to expound the virtues of CrossFit!! Like I said, she got me started, and I spent the better part of 20 minutes telling her she needed to get herself to CrossFit Midlo and get involved in what might be the best workout she's ever done. I needed this diversion!
Finally the Dr. was done biopsying the liver he was working on and came in. Nice guy, young, sheesh, I should have asked Doogie Howser for his credentials I was thinking when he said he was going to do one last ultrasound. My boob was a pro at them by now. Ok, hit it at 11:00, and there it is, once again. He put the wand down and said he didn't feel comfortable just leaving this alone and not figuring out what it was, we were proceeding with the biopsy.
.......I WANT BRAD HERE WITH ME NOW!!! But nope, that was not to be. Bad experiences previously when they allowed supporters back during procedures. Now, you had to go it alone, there was that woman's reflection from the dressing room mirror again......
Then he said to Carrie get the kit out.
gulp
Didn't that sound ominous? Ok, this is happening I realize. They are going to cut into me and I am getting this thing biopsied. Sweat started blooming across my forehead. I remember stupidly thinking, I'm glad this isn't a mammogram because then I wouldn't be wearing deodorant and with me sweating like this, no bueno...my mind switched gears, came back to the present and I was watching Carrie get the stuff out of the kit. I saw various syringes, other things that weren't easy to identify from my vantage point. I watched the Dr. gown and glove up and I suddenly thought I didn't eat breakfast. My breathing was getting a little more rapid and my vision was getting a little wavy as he snapped his gloves on and he swabbed me down with Betadine. I wanted to scream to stop, that I wasn't ready, I wanted time to think about this, I wanted Brad. Him putting a sterile drape over my breast got me realizing time was out and I needed to suck it up and just do this. Enough screwing around and waiting I said to myself sternly, the Dr.'s voice jolting me back to reality. He said he was going to use the ultrasound wand to guide his instruments to do the biopsy, first he was going to numb me.
I asked him to hold up for a minute. That I needed a second. I told him I was nervous. I didn't like the thought of him injecting anything there and I was going to be talking, a lot. That Brad and I joke around that girls talk as much as we do because we hear voices in our heads and we talk to drown them out. That those voices were screaming like fools in my head right then and they would have to hear me chatter to drown them out and calm myself. Carrie and the Dr. thought that was right funny and laughed like loons at that explanation. They assured me that was fine, do what I needed to do. Then I told the Dr. he would have to tell me everything he was doing because I am a control freak and I couldn't see over the drape and that would keep me sane. Another round of laughter from the audience, thank you, thank you, I'll be here all week, try the veal...
Ok, I am injecting you with the lidocaine now....
Maybe it was my eyes, maybe it was my hand reaching instinctively for Brad's and he wasn't there, don't know really, but Carrie came over and grabbed my hand and held it. I relaxed and the Dr.started his work.
I can't say it was bad really, I have been through way worse. On a scale of one to ten, I'd give a ten, it had a good beat and I could dance to it hahaha, seriously though, I'd give it a 4. I was really ok, especially after the initial injection. The end was uncomfortable when he got a second sample of the mass, I didn't like that very much, but it was ok. I didn't even know when I got my little Titanium marker inserted into the mass.
After I got cleaned up, my incision was glued closed. Carrie came over and said it was still wet and I couldn't get dressed so I started blowing on the glue to dry it faster. Carrie was laughing at that and started fanning it with her hands as I blew. She knew I wanted to get out of there. After a few minutes I was allowed to sit up, then after she made me sit for a few minutes I was finally allowed to stand. I had to go for another mammogram, to show the Titanium marker and I was done. I got dressed, looked at myself in the mirror and wondered where that other reflection was. She wasn't there, I saw myself again and I was glad. I kept staring at myself thinking only good news was coming my way. That I was going to fall into the 75% of good new recipients. I just want this behind me.
I went back to the room where they biopsied me and Carrie was still there. I thanked her for helping me get through the way she did. For talking to me, distracting me, and holding my hand. I hugged her and told her to look up CrossFit Midlo. That way I'd get to see her again. She was a genuinely nice person and I could see myself being friends with her.
I went out into the waiting room to find Brad. He was in the corner dozing off. I guess there was nothing good to read lol! When he smiled at me, I knew I was ok. He helped me get in my jacket and we walked to the car. I calmly told him everything they did as we walked along, we got in the car and I promptly burst into tears.
Where the hell did that come from?
I guess I needed to release. I was so busy joking around, trying to keep myself in control during the biopsy, deal with all the merry-go-round nonsense these last few weeks that those tears got buried and wanted to get out. I breathed in and out, Brad hates to see me cry, and I gathered myself together. Brad asked if he could take me for a green tea Frappucino and I readily agreed. Nectar of the gods those damn things are, I figured I earned one.
So now we wait. It's only two days. I will hear something by tomorrow. I have been jerked around so long it was nice to know I only had two more days to go in this waiting game.
But I know in my heart I will be in that good news percentile. I won't let it be any other way. And if you could continue to pray for me for this outcome, I would appreciate it. These past few weeks' events need only be good fodder for my blog and nothing more.
As always, I will keep you posted. I can't wait to get back to my regularly scheduled life.....
No comments:
Post a Comment