Whales and Pigs and Cows oh my....

Look at you, you look disgusting!  Fat Whale! Look at how fat you look, how could you let yourself go, what a pig...I would never say things to a person I didn't like, than why am I saying it to myself?? But that is exactly what I said looking at myself the other morning in the mirror.  Ugh, I thought in utter disgust, and I walked away.

A recent conversation came to mind.  I was walking to the elevator on our vacation last week, towards my family who were waiting and my husband KNEW I wasn't happy.  "What's wrong?" he asked innocently enough... I hissed back, "I look like a frickin' cow. I am huge" and then I realized who else was in my presence.  My 18 and 15 year old daughters, that's who.

My 15 year old looked at me in sheer disbelief.  She said nothing until she looked at her reflection and proceeded to dress herself down.  I looked at this beautiful young woman in front of me.  All 5'9" plus inches of this statuesque, nothing short of goddess in my eyes and I chastised her.  I told her to stop with the negative self talk, how I would have given my left arm to be her in high school, replete with her poise, good sense of humor, fantastic disposition, beautiful smile, warm heart, and her outward beauty as well...And then she countered with, "it's how you talk to yourself Mom...."

***GASP***

Well wasn't that a kick in the teeth??  She was right of course.  I talk to myself like this all of the time. If I spoke to a child like this, I would destroy them for life, so why was it ok to talk to myself like this? Why would I not allow my lovely daughter to speak negatively about herself but it was ok to slam myself like that?  Am I not lovely too? Did I really just do that?

Why Yes I did.  

But it is how I have spoken to myself more often than not for most of my life.  It's crazy when I think to myself, has this body not gotten me here, to this day, alive and well, 47 years later, no matter what the weight? Did it not get me through triathlons, marathons, mountainous Fondos, an Ironman triathlon and crazy Crossfit hero WODs???  

I need to remember a most important point------->this "horrible" body of mine helped to conceive, grow, and bring 4 beautiful, healthy babies into this world.  That is nothing short of a miracle in itself one time, but I did it four times!  How could I possibly belittle this perfect baby incubating and producing machine lol? But I do!

So I challenged myself that very day, the day my daughter informed me in front of the elevator that they speak to themselves the way they've heard me refer to myself before, to speak only kind words when I looked in the mirror.  I challenged them too.  I said there will be no more negative talk.  That even on days I am feeling the need to spew vulgarities at myself that I must walk away and not speak them even in my head.  That I must focus on the good only.  I told my girls that I want them to do the same.  I want their self confidence to soar, not wither away, as they continue to mature.

I am on day five of only positives.  I'd like to say it's been easy, but it hasn't.  I will say it has gotten a wee bit easier to find a place to compliment myself, even if it seems genuinely trite, because it is at least positive and better than calling myself a cow.  Telling myself my hair looks good, or that my yoga pants flatter my curves, or my nails look pretty long is far better than hurling insults at myself.  And yes they are all rather vapid comments in the grand scheme of things, however they are a humble start for me. Hopefully they will give rise to even deeper, more important revelations about myself.

Funny how we go back to what we know, how I hated being called those awful names by others in grade school and high school, the fat pigs, Celia Cellulites, fat whales still make me cringe and my heart hurt when I hear them being said by my classmates.  But it's what I knew regarding my self image growing up so it's what I took with me as an adult.  What I fell back on knowing full well it was destructive.  The fact that I might pass this trait along to my daughters is enough to make me stop this behavior dead in it's tracks.

I cannot have them sitting belittling themselves at near 50 and hating things they see when they look in the mirror.  

So when I told my girls what I was doing, I challenged them as well.  To love themselves and love things they see when they look at their reflection.  Funny as soon as I brought my challenge up, my 18 year old sent me this article http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/yourmentalhealth/2013/03/05/a-mothers-effect-on-her-daughters-self-esteem/  How did she get so smart lol?

Definitely sobering, enlightening and worth the read, particularly if you have daughters.  

There is a quote at the end by Oprah Winfrey that will be my mantra even if it kills me!  How sad is it that positive, affirming talk would be this hard for me.  I suspect I am not the only woman out there who is dealing with this, as a matter of fact I know I am not.

"You can't fix the girls and the the self-esteem until you fix the mothers.  As Naomi Wolf said so beautifully, "A mother who radiates self-love and acceptance actually vaccinates her daughter against low self-esteem"  ~ Oprah Winfrey