I wrote a blog once upon a time about the word "if" and all of the wonderful possibilities that this word brings. But lately, I have come to fear the word "if" if it is preceded by the word "what". My world has been turned upside down by the phrase "what if".
My stomach knots. These what ifs keep my ever racing brain company if I wake up in the silently scary wee hours of the morning. They fly through my head when I am sitting trying to concentrate on the most basic activity. What ifs pop up while I stagger around trying to get my legs underneath me.
So this morning, after Brad so graciously brought me coffee in bed, I what if'd at Brad. I told him I had so many what ifs scaring me, I could barely think straight some days. He decided, after reading a book that his Comptrain coaching group sent him for making it to the games, that we would face every thing, just like he was reading in The Obstacle is the Way, we would what if out loud and do away with my fear of the what if. So we started...
What if I lose my hair? This is a very real possibility for me with the Aubagio. I am not a particularly vain person but you know, losing your hair is a pretty upsetting prospect, especially for a woman. There are some guys that can totally pull off being bald, think the Rock, LL Cool J, Cal Ripken. Brad said he would buy me neat hats to wear. I have always been a hat person, I could potentially live like that if I had to. I thought maybe we could do like my favorite Calvin and Hobbes comic strip when Calvin cuts off all of his hair and Hobbes colors all of it in again with a yellow sharpie haha! I guess if I have to choose between an infection in my brain that will cause me to die, or losing my hair as potential side effects from the medications that I need, I will go with Losing my Hair for $600 Alex.
What if I am mean to you guys after my infusions? Get nasty with the very people who have been supporting me through all of this. I saw my dad ride the cortisone roller coaster from taking his oral steroids every day. I read this could be way worse, I really wasn't looking forward to that. We decided I would warn everyone in my house what was going on and try my best to hide from people until I feel more stable emotionally.
There were so many what ifs, so many scary ideas we tried to put in their place and hopefully they will leave me alone.
I ended our what if session with a doozy. What if I am bald, in a wheelchair at the Crossfit Games. The ultimate exhibition of fitness on earth. And there will be me looking like, well like some bald woman in a wheel chair. I got a little vaklempt when he said he would be so proud of me. All I could think of is what is there to be proud of? I can't do Crossfit anymore. My workouts each day are so simple, so basic. I am definitely not doing anything as impressive as these people do at the Games.
Or am I?
What is more impressive? Strutting around with my ass hanging out in booty shorts with no boobs like most Crossfit women who compete, or waking up each day, forcing myself out of bed, making my way down that scary flight of stairs and helping my girls get out the door to school with a good breakfast in them, and lunches made for their day, me starting their day with an I love you, have a good day and a kiss?
Is it more impressive, to choose to beat myself up physically just to say I can snatch, front squat, back squat or clean whatever heavy weight is prescribed for the workout, or beating myself up physically taking the scary drugs I am prescribed so I can be here for my family, and keep myself as healthy as can be given the circumstances? Who is stronger metaphorically speaking??
Is it more impressive to have the physical strength to endure a weekend of workouts to be crowned the "Fittest on Earth" or more impressive to manage through that weekend, being the biggest fan and supporter of my husband, making sure I am there for him just as much as he has been here for me since all of this started regardless of how I am feeling physically?
Isn't it more impressive to do all of the research I have done, learned what to do to help myself through diet, supplementation, and exercise so I can heal myself as much as I can before any medical intervention? More impressive and have the strength to admit that I have to adapt how I work out, with my fan blowing on me and ice water nearby so I cool down and continue working out so I can maintain what good health I have now? Or is it more impressive being able to crush a workout, you and your competitors being the picture of vitality and health. Who is truly showing their strength?
I suppose all of these who is stronger thoughts are there to show myself that I have a lot more going for me than Crossfit, more strength than what comes from cleaning or bench pressing and that is more important than being able to say I RX's a WOD when it comes right down to it.
I have to keep reminding myself I have the strength of 1000 Crossfit athletes when it comes to doing all I have to do each day, to live as normally as possible so I can be a good mom to my four girls, to take care of my 4 beasts, to be an awesome Nee to my Antknee. Most importantly, I carry myself through every day with the most hopeful attitude as possible to be the best wife I can be to my husband. The man who is standing beside me and making me feel like everything has a chance at being better than normal, even with all of this yuckiness surrounding me. Telling me this is an opportunity to change for the better and do things I have never done before, to look at this as the start of something good.
I always wanted to marry a prince who would make my dreams come true. At least my MS has shown me that I was lucky enough for that to happen. Hopefully he has a white horse too, I always wanted a horse as a pet, and I understand they do wonders as part of MS therapy.
And suddenly you know: it's time to start something new and trust the magic of new beginnings~Meister Eckhart
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