Does it Hurt? Then stop touching it!

That phrase came to mind today as I stood naked from the waist up, manhandling the hell out of my right breast in front of a mirror.  I was feeling for whatever it was they said was potentially wrong with it.

It Starts....life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think everything's ok and everything's going right.....

Rewind......

I went for a mammogram less than a week ago.  I received a letter from St. Francis Medical Center saying something to the effect that it showed, "a finding that requires Additional Imaging studies for a complete evaluation" please call this number, blah, blah, blah....So I called.  I wish I could remember everything the nice nurse from Radiology said, but alas, I cannot.  She did say the radiologist saw part of my right breast tissue was different from my last screening.  I don't remember the rest.  My mind started racing trying to understand.  What was that you were saying?  Yes, I will make my appointment ASAP Ma'am....and with that she transferred me to scheduling.  I go today at 2:30.

See, I've been here before.  Getting tests done to see if there is something more ominous brewing.  I thought I was ok last time too, but I hit that jackpot.  I got the phone call asking me to come to the office ASAP for my results because I couldn't get them over the phone.  No one ever wants to hear that.  So now I go again. I am running through the same emotions, same thing telling myself it will be fine.  But will it?

I keep telling myself not to fret, this is nothing.  But that little voice keeps whispering in my ear, "yeah, your body betrayed you last time you thought it was nothing".  I thought it was only one debilitating disease per customer.  I have MS, isn't that enough of a cross to carry?

The day after....there has to be a morning after....

So I had my mammogram done.  Nicest lady with the coldest hands got to handle my right boob. We did other angles.  She explained to me that sometimes tissue lays on top of tissue and gives the appearance of a solid.   A solid?  Oh, ok, can I faint now or later?  Unfortunately it was not the case this time.  I could see the area she was talking about no matter what angle we took the image at.  Off to the Ultrasound room. Again, lovely nurse there.  She explained how ultrasound compliments the picture taken by the mammography machine.  She did it once and told me to sit tight.  She needed the radiologist to come in.  We did the ultrasound again, this time with him in the room.  He had her freeze a particular shot and he turned the screen towards me.  "There, right there, that's what we are looking at"  as he pointed to what was an obvious difference in the image.  He explained to me I had a solid mass in my right breast.  Small, about the size of the tip of his pinky.  But there it was all the same.  Amazing how something so small can have such big ramifications.

I walked out of the radiology department to a waiting 17 year old daughter who wanted to come with me since my husband was out of town.  She asked me what happened and I wished with my whole heart that I could say it was a mistake.  Just a shadow on my image.  But instead I explained I needed a biopsy. I tell her it would be ok, wanting to believe that with my whole heart.  I texted my husband who was in a meeting in Buffalo to tell him to call me when he got out.  Called my mom because I didn't want my youngest to hear the conversation I was about to have.  "hey Mom, yeah, just got done with everything...........no it didn't go as well as we had hoped.....cue the massive hiccup and sob coming out of me........they found a mass in my right breast is what they called it mom.....no we're not certain what that means right now....he did say if it was anything serious it was caught early enough and extremely treatable.....I settled down after a mile or two of driving.  Got my wits about me, realized I lost it in front of my 17 year old like a blithering idiot, and made myself get positive.  Only that image must have stayed with her.

When we got home, after my 10 year old went outside, my 17 year old  sat down in the living room with me.  We started talking the "what ifs" of this situation.  Although we KNOW it will be okay, I needed to let them know that even if we get some not so wanted news after the biopsy, I will carry on.  I will be okay.  I have wayyyy too much to do here, way too many people who need me, I can't go anywhere and I won't.  I'm good like that.  So anyway I told her if it came down to it, and I needed chemo I would shave my head.  My way of controlling the hair loss thing.  That's when my billet son looked at me and said, "you shave your head, I shave mine"  Then Katie said she would too. Meanwhile another boy who works out here, came in on the middle of this conversation.  He asked what was going on and I decided I might as well tell him, because really this is nothing. I calmly stated they found a mass in my right breast and he looked like I punched him in the stomach.  His face dropped but then he said, I'll dye my shaved head pink too Mama Robinson (that's what they call me).  Was I wrong to be so touched?  These kids are wanting to share in this, wanting to help me through my scary time any way they can.  This made me smile.

I go to my GYN today for my well woman visit.  To schedule the biopsy.

later in the day....whatcha doin?  Nothin chillin at the Holiday Inn.....

Biopsy scheduled for 2/21.  A ways into the future.  Two weeks to be exact.  But it's with a skilled breast surgeon.  It's his first appointment available.  I keep telling myself it's ok to wait.  Whatever it is has been growing in my breast for how long now?  Another two weeks is not going to make or break me.  Besides I KNOW this is nothing. Just some stupid fibroid something or other that decided to take up residence in the mostly unlikely of places.

I think about getting this done.  I don't want to have a needle stuck in me there.  I don't want them to cut a piece out of my breast either.  I don't want any of this to happen!!!

                                  STOP!!!!!!

If only life worked that way.  So I wait.  I wait to find out I'm ok.  Because I won't be any other way. Because I have so much to do, because I tell my girls all of the time I take care of myself the way I do because I don't want to leave them because I love them so much....I wait.

Today...is gonna be the day that they're gonna throw it back to you...

And I chronicle all of this.  I don't know why, I guess writing is my way of coping.  I share this hoping that I help someone, somehow.  Maybe your day wasn't going as well as planned, but really in the grand scheme of things it's probably not all that bad when you really think about it, right?  Maybe some of you have had to walk down this road with either side of the biopsy results and have sage wisdom for me.  I am still dazed and confused and carrying on.  But I keep telling myself this will all be ok, this will all be ok...

I know not all of you are religious but I am.  Don't know if there's a true religion or one God listens to over the other, so I ask for all you to pray for my strength whether it's to God, Allah, Wicca, Buddha, or Neon Korean Baby Jesus, just pray.  I could use your help.

I promise to keep you all posted.

.....and all the roads we have to walk are winding....