A pity party.
The day had started off well enough. Coffee in bed with Brad, one of my favorite things. I have been getting dizzy a lot, a sensation I could definitely live without. I have been veering away from my strict, anti-inflammatory diet lately, there were Christmas cookies and other yummy holiday treasures for me to eat after all, and I was feeling it physically. Toss in the stress and the problems that holiday's can bring to family members, and subsequently me, and I was a right, old mess. No other way to describe it.
As I tottered around after my lovely morning in bed with coffee and my hubby, I felt like I needed a V-8
kind of like I was walking on ice and so off balance it was disconcerting. But I had planned to work out with Brad. We didn't go to the New Year's Eve teamer at our Crossfit Box. We had a slow start, and I needed that.
So we went into our garage. Our workout was to be 20 calories on the rower, since we only have one here, I chose to ride our assault bike while Brad rowed. Then we had to do 16 thrusters. Another 20 calories rowed or ridden, then 17 toes to bar, I chose to do ab mat sit ups. I had a bit of an issue with my left grip yesterday, like the kind of issue where I dropped a bar that I was doing shoulder to over head lifts with while it was overhead, causing it to smash into my shoulder and then knee on its way down, ergo, I was nervous to hang from the bar to do my toes to bar from. Three rounds of that and we would be ready for our fun New Years Eve we had planned.
Fast forward about 15 minutes and I was sweaty, hot, and finished. I had to sit when we were done. I really couldn't move to be honest. Walking was difficult. My stupid left leg was having none of me working out and overheating. My husband had to navigate me to our bench press bench, I sat there gulping down my ice water as he was said what a great workout we just had.
At that sentiment, I burst into tears. I was having my own New Years Eve Pity Party!! I didn't need to wait for an invite from people that would never come. I was having my own damned party, and I invited Brad. He had no choice but to accept this invitation, he was going to come to this party. Isn't he a lucky man??? There were no party hats, or noise makers. Just me making the noise.
I let the tears flow. I was frustrated. I started rambling out loud, pitying myself and how my body was reacting to working out. I was sad, so sad for the athlete I would never be, sad for all of the hard work I have done at Crossfit and weight lifting for the last how many years that seemed to be going to waste. I thought back to the Ironman I did, the marathons, all of the hard fondos on my bike, long swims with the sharks. All of that would never have a chance of repeating in my life. I can't run a mile without my left leg dropping and landing like I am wearing a lead boot. At this point, I was a blithering idiot. Did I mention I am an ugly crier? All manner of bodily fluids were running down my face by the time I got everything off of my chest that I had been carrying around with me for the last little while. I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders. This Atlas finally shrugged under the weight of her emotions.
My poor husband. He just let me go, let me cry and spew the frustration I was feeling. I was on the wrong side of life at this moment.
So I am sitting there feeling like I was in the darkest place in my world. I wanted to be on the sunshine, lollipop and rainbows side of my mind. I didn't like feeling like I did.
Brad let me finish, let me sop up my mess of a face and he told me just what I needed to hear. That no matter what happened, we would deal with it together. No matter what came at me, I wouldn't be alone, I wouldn't have to bear this by myself. Those words comforted me. I needed to hear that I was loved unconditionally like that. Time to put your big girl booty shorts on Dee...how do I feel better and get to that happy place?
I thought of my last blog, about being grateful for all that I have. If there is one thing I am not? It is a hypocrite. I am really a lucky woman when I sit back and think. I could be way worse off physically. I know that. Know I am lucky to still be able to scale a Crossfit workout to make my way through it. I guess in a way, that's sort of bad ass right?
Keep thinking Dee.
Alright, I was able to make a wonderful holiday for my family. I actually prayed and thanked God every time I opened my refrigerator and saw how much food was in there. What a blessing that is! To have such abbondanza! It was such a celebration to share all of that with the people I love!
The thoughts continued....
I was doing laundry today and was able to sneak up behind the door as my daughter Erin was coming in the house and scare her, it's still a sport to scare here. Only to have her give me an exasperated "Dani-yell" in her best imitation of my Grandma Tav saying my name. How that makes me laugh! We laughed and got back to folding my clothes that we are able to afford. The clothes that keep us warm, that I can wash in my fancy, schmancy washer and dryer. No beating clothes on a rock here lol!
I heard my daughter Katie belly laughing with her boyfriend at something silly, and hear them laugh and laugh. A sound that I don't think anyone understands how it wraps itself around my heart and warms me from the inside out. Makes me so glad to hear after she has struggled so desperately with depression, such an ugly condition.
I remember the excitement my daughter Heather experienced flying the drone her dad got for Christmas and learning how to make it flip, how happy she was for her best friend Quinn to come over to ring in the New Year with her, or snuggle like a baby joey in the Eno hammock tent thingee that she got from her sister. I smile thinking about her coming up to me and asking for a hug or genuinely wanting me to sit and watch some of our favorite shows together.
I chuckle every time I get a text from Bailey gushing about my Antknee's potty training successes. I break into a huge grin at each text I read from her. Makes my heart positively sing to see how beautifully she is raising my little man. I scold myself for worrying what would happen with Anthony entering this world.
I will be able to cheer my husband on and be his biggest fan at Wodapolooza again this year. How lucky I am to be going to Miami, I am practicing my yelling loud enough so he can hear me already. I know how lucky I am to have him in my life these last 28 years. Lucky that I have been gifted with this man who has worked so hard to provide all he has for my family. We have every thing we need and most of what we want. Who loves me as purely as he does. I am so, so blessed.
Yes, I hear that naggy little voice in my ear whispering, "you have everything you need, except perfect health". No, I don't, but little voice, hear this, I am doing every thing I can in my power to get better. I will live with whatever life throws at me, I will handle it. Know why? Because I put my big girl booty shorts on and realized just how lucky I am.
I have my husband, my girls, my Antknee. I have my extended family if I need them, I have four dogs who are convinced I am the best human they have ever met. I have all of the beauty I have blogged about before. I am truly lucky, this I know. Go to hell little voice....
So I close in saying that I might have been given a bad break, but I've got an awful lot to live for.
- Lou Gehrig
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