You say Bellagio, I say Aubagio

Which ones do I pick I thought out loud to myself.  I am looking lovingly at my collection of knee socks.  If any of you have ever done Crossfit with me, you know how I love my knee socks.  I have a pretty awesome collection.  Unfortunately, due to things going on with me physically, I stopped going to the box, and subsequently stopped wearing my beautiful socks.

But I have been feeling steady enough to get my butt out in the garage and come up with some workouts to keep me sane until all of the medical stuff we have decided to do starts making me feel human again.  So I went into my sacred drawer of sock.  I whispered "hello beautiful" to all of them, missing wearing them and getting my sweat on.  Today I decided it was time to break out a pair, and get my butt into the garage ASAP.  I need working out to stay sane.  I understand, through all of the research I have done, it will do wonders to help me now, while this disease is playing whack a mole in my brain.

See when I started Crossfit 5 years ago, and I know I said this in my last blog, I told the box owner I wanted to be in the best shape of my life in case MS decided to cause me problems.  How prophetic those words turned out to be!  But in hind sight it was a blessing that I got myself mentally and physically tough.  I have needed it, and am going to need it more than ever I am afraid.  I think I would look forward to doing the Memorial Day Murph more than what is in front of me, but doing the Murph all of these years has gotten me here and ready to tackle the challenges ahead.

We learned at my Neurologist visit yesterday that I actually have an active lesion going on in the right half of my brain, hence all of my left side issues now.  A lesion the doctor said we had to tame immediately.  When she started talking about cortisone I panicked.  I saw what it did to my dad.  I have been macro counting like a maniac and losing weight.  Last thing I wanted was that big pie face dad would get.  Or all of the weight gain. Oh the vanity issues.  But the Neuro said I would have to be infused, three days in a row to get this under control.  No oral steroids over a longer course would calm this down right now.  Fabulous.  Ok, I get three days of Solumedrol pumped through my veins.  That's exciting.  Then we moved on to long term treatment.  I asked about the first line drugs, the ones that are supposed to be a little easier to tolerate. The side effects are supposed to be pretty mild. By mild I mean flu like symptoms for three months, stuff like that.  Unfortunately, due to the scleratic lesions present on my Cervical spine, which my MRI showed so beautifully, she said she was concerned that my next active lesion would be on my spine, and in a place that would incapacitate me.  Say again? Incapacitate me?  She said of course we could try the injectable, first line drugs if I felt like that would be what I preferred to do, but she felt like one of the oral ones, due to the previous activity on my spine, would be where we should start.  I countered with what about PML, that's the brain infection that leads to death?  She pointed me to one in particular that doesn't have that risk. She took her time and answered any questions that I, or Brad, had.  Great dialogue, didn't talk down to me, you could see she was impressed by my knowledge, and truly tried to be as informative as she could be without pushing me in any direction.  She sent us home with information to go over and I had to call today with what I chose to be treated with.

Cue the stupid musical loop I created from the name of the medication.  Aubagio.  You say Bellagio, I say Aubagio. You say tomato, I say tomahto....let's call the whole thing off!  Yes, let's do that. While I'm at it, I'd like a dog rescue to retire to too.  If wishes were horses, beggars would ride right?

I am kind of at an angry phase presently through all of this.  I stopped going on FB because you know what? I don't want to see people hitting their PRs at a WOD, or while lifting weights.  I am too busy feeling sorry for myself to cheer you on.  Can't you see I am miserable here?? I get even more pissed when I see someone bellyaching over something stupid.  Are you worried about walking, or seeing, or feeling your feet?  No?  Then stop your complaining for the love of all that's good!!  I hate seeing workouts that I would give my right arm (that's the one that is stronger too) to do, knowing right now (see trying to stay optimistic, because this is only temporary right?) that would be as impossible as me tight rope walking across the Grand Canyon.

I could write a whole blog over what every day is like.  How I sneer at the stairs as I stand at the top one wondering when stairs got so scary to walk down.  Or how I feel like I need a V8 most days.  My favorite is when I feel like I am walking on ice AND need a V8.  Makes walking so much more exciting.  Most days my left leg feels like it's a tree trunk, heavy, wooden, and it doesn't like to pick up much.  It's a good thing my left toes are so completely numb because I stub them quite a bit.  I guess I didn't realize how numb my left side had gotten until my daughter said in total amazement, how are you touching that?  She was referring to the noodle I just plucked off of a spoonful of them I had just taken out of the boiling pot of water to test their doneness.  I thought what is she talking about? Until I burnt my tongue when I popped the damn thing in my mouth.  Ohhhh, you mean the nuclear hot noodle?  It's my super hero power don't you know.  I'd rather be able to turn invisible.

Well enough of that.  The infusion center called, I have to go the week of 5/31 and get my infusions done.  Of course it is at the Bon Secours Cancer Center.  So there was my kick in the ass to stop with my pity party and quit complaining.  This could be so much worse.  I know people so much worse off, I am truly blessed.  It was my smack in the head, thanks I needed that moment.

Being blessed is a condition of the heart and a frame of mind~Erinn Rhorie

When Life Gives You Lemons, Make Lemonade~Elbert Hubbard

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade is how the quote goes, first uttered in 1915 if my research is true.

I know some people have been wondering what's up with me.  Life has been a little unsettling lately. I am staring MS squarely in the eye, dealing with some of the stuff that it can bring, but not letting it get the better of me, although some days I feel like it is trying.

Let's rewind however many years ago it was when I suddenly couldn't see out of my right eye anymore. I always likened it to wearing sunglasses, really dark ones, on just my right eye.  I made an appointment with an ophthalmologist pretty quickly who asked me a myriad of questions, are you tired?  Well yeah I was the mom of a two year old and worked full time so yeah, I'm tired.  Do you have any tingling in your arms or legs?  I did have some on my right side when I thought of it, but I had a desk job and just thought my leg and foot were falling sleep a lot.  Do you have any numbness?  No, why do you ask?  Why are you asking me all of these questions?  The Dr. said he suspected I had optic neuritis and that didn't typically occur on it's own but seen frequently with people who have MS.  He sent me for an MRI.  I can remember when they snapped this helmet looking thing over my head and being pushed in a dark tube.  I can remember music playing over the loud banging noises.  Rod Stewart's gravelly voice crooned, If I listen long enough to you, I'd find a way to believe that it's all true....I can still hear it in my mind's eye. or ear as it were lol!

Anyway, I had to wait like a week  (this was about 25 years ago, the Stone Age for technology like MRIs I guess) for the results and I remember calling my doctor for them.  He just so happened to be away on vacation for the next two weeks but his receptionist assured me his associate would be happy to review my results and let me know what they were, hold please.  Nice doctor, picks up, introduces himself to me and I can hear him rustling through my file (yes, they still used paper files back in my day) and making small talk.  Oh I see you have optic neuritis, you went for your MRI last weekand it says here-----how quickly can you come in to our office?  I'd rather discuss these results with you in person was the next thing I heard.  I felt like I just went down the drop on the Terminator when he said that.

I knew what he was going to tell me.  So I ask my boss if I could leave, tears all welled up in my eyes.  The only thing I knew about MS was what I saw in grade school when we would do fundraisers for the MS Society.  I was going to be in a wheelchair, I was going to be an invalid.  After I saw my pseudo-opthamologist with my mom in tow because Brad was stuck at work, he said if I was his daughter?  He'd have his family practitioner do a total physical, see if there could be anything else going on.  MS doesn't have a test to determine if you have it but rather a battery of tests ruling out anything else it could be.  I asked him one question, am I going to die?  He said we are all going to die, but from MS, the likelihood was no.  Ok, I relaxed just a little.  

  

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye ~ Cathy Guisewite

I swear I was blindsided.  How could this be happening to me?  I'm young, have a toddler. When Brad finally got home of course he was upset.  We tried to make sense of things we had no idea how to understand so we did the only thing you could do to obtain knowledge before the internet; we headed straight to the library.  Yes, a library.  Complete with the card catalogue (that always excited me when I was little and had to use it) does anyone else remember the dewey decimal system lol, and us photocopying information from books that we found on the subject.  I felt a little better when I read it didn't necessarily mean I wouldn't be able to walk or I wouldn't be able to see out of that eye properly again.  

I did make an appointment with the best neurologist for MS in our area after seeing our family practitioner.  He said it appeared I did have MS from "the scleratic lesions on the white matter of my brain" they saw in my MRI plus all of the other tests they did.  We weren't going to treat anything just yet.  The only thing available at the time was steroids and seeing what they did to my dad I wasn't too keen on taking them to be honest.  He also said he wasn't going to officially diagnose me until I had another exacerbation somewhere else in my body for insurance purposes.  He didn't want me to get denied with a pre-existing condition.  Why thank you kind sir.  I appreciated that.

It took about six months and my vision returned.  No meds needed, my body healed itself.  I was done being angry at the body I felt betrayed me.  I started making a bucket list of things I wanted to do though.  Being diagnosed with a potentially debilitating disease will do that to ya I guess.

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back ~ Bill Watterson

A lot of life has happened for us since.  I won't bore you with all of the details, just the highlights and some bucket list items thrown in.  Let's see there were three more kids, two new houses, countless foster beasts, how many businesses that ended up with us owning the Ice Zone and SkateNation Plus, plus now 321 Fitness (that's our Bodpod) ooooo and a grandson as the cherry on top.  There were sprint triathlons, Olympic distance triathlons (NYC Tri being my favorite) culminating with me doing Ironman Florida.  Let's toss in a myriad of 5Ks, 10K's, 10 Milers and Marathons.  And who could forget my swim from Alcatraz??  Or how I had been keeping it real with Crossfit the last five or so years after I got burnt out from triathlon training.  I can remember speaking to the Owner of our Box before I started and telling him I had MS. That I wanted to do Crossfit in case, God Forbid, it decided to rear it's ugly head.  I wanted to be in the best shape of my life to tackle it head on. I toned my body, got it strong, got myself mentally tough. I laughed at doing 160 pound back squats, rep 205 for my deadlifts, clean and jerk 110?  Still laughing, this is awesome.  Watch me bench press 130 pounds no problem. Toes to bar, yes please, I could do pull ups, I wanted to do muscle ups some day, I could row like a beast, run like a beast watch me crush a wod, a hero workout.  I loved it.  Still laughing. MS be damned, look at what I am doing!!!  

And then, it happened and I stopped laughing.  

I dropped a bar going overhead on a lift and damn near crushed my head. What was with my left hand?  Running? Why is my left leg dragging?  Box jumps? Nope, I almost killed myself the last time I tried them.  Lunges, I am tipping over, never mind doing them with any kind of weight.  Yeah, I tried to modify my workouts, but things kept getting more and more difficult to do.  I couldn't stand after a hard work out, friends and Brad would bring me ice and ice water to help cool me off so I could move. Anything that required balance was out of the question.  I remember the last workout that I had modified and struggled through so I could do it, and someone commenting on how they admired me for still trying to work out.  That was it, game over.  I have worked out in my garage ever since. Don't need your pity.  I am ok, and will be ok, my mantra being fore front in my mind--there is still a ton I can do, there is still a ton I can do.  I was strong AF, I don't want anyone's admiration for struggling through a workout.  I want to lift, run, box jump, burpee like I used to.  I can still do a lot. A lot more than many so I guess I need to suck it up buttercup.  

Let's skip that record needle one more time to now, and why I am inviting you all at this peek into my life with MS.  It is happening, that next exacerbation that I thought I had outfoxed, out maneuvered, out run, out Crossfitted? It looks like it is here.  Or might be.  Otherwise my feet are numb for no reason.  Or my legs feel like lead for no reason, or I am dizzy to the point I will not let myself drive right now for no reason.  Or I have this awful brain fog for no reason.  Or I am so exhausted by the end of the day, I mean bone crushing lassitude, for no reason.  Misery loves company, so come join me hahaha!!  Actually, that's not it, because I am honestly not miserable.  Frustrated maybe, miserable not so much.  Like my breast cancer scare I have decided to blog what's going on.  It was cathartic for me to blog through it, so I guess I am trying to cope one of the best ways I know how.

I went for an MRI again, this time I had the help of Ativan to keep me from freaking out after they immobilized my head and kept it from moving and stuffed me in the tube for an hour.  I had the most pleasant dreams, one was my dad was rubbing my feet and telling me I was ok and not freak out, the other was my dogs were talking to me lol.  Kind of made me sad when my dogs started talking because then I realized my dad wasn't really there and it was all a dream, or was it,  but that's a blog for another day.  

I have a follow up with my neurologist Wednesday.  Hopefully to discuss treatment options?  I am at the modern day version of a library as I type (the internet is a blessing and a curse for real) and have been educating myself as much as I can about the drugs there are to treat MS now.  Grateful there are choices.  More than just prednisone, but they all come with a hefty list of side effects, none of which are too pleasant.  Yes, I'll take one brain infection that almost always causes death for the win!

I know, like my breast cancer scare, that this is going to be ok.  I've got my family by my side, Brad not letting things be anything other than ok.  Choices of medications, and a lot of determination to get back to Crossfit and the rest of the things in my life that make me happy.  Ain't nobody got time for this...

“I believe when life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade…and try to find someone whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.” ~Ron White

A little bread means a lot

I thought about that as I happily munched my braided Easter egg bread sitting on the deck with my husband this morning.  I sipped my coffee, took a bite of the orangey almondy goodness.  The sweet of the glaze was the perfect accompaniment to the bitterness of my coffee.

I got thinking of eating it growing up, of when my mom sent me the recipe for this particularly tasty one, thought of the piece I sent home with Bailey so she could have it after they hunted eggs this morning. I thought of the day we had planned.  A whole lot of nothing with my family, eating a feast together, and just hanging out. The happiness it brought might seem silly for a taste of bread.  But it wasn't really the bread that made me that happy now was it?

All of sudden I felt this deep sense of gratitude.  Gratitude for the life I have, gratitude for a change I decided to make awhile ago. That I was done with the disease of more.  That I wanted to appreciate all that I had and not wish for anything more.  To truly appreciate the present, immerse myself in it and just be.

To realize that I have everything I need and most of what I want.

I thought it would be so hard to change my thought process and never stop wanting more and more. Surprisingly it wasn't.  Surprisingly it was liberating to break free of those thoughts that held me hostage, realize I don't need anything more.  That I could truly be happy with every thing I have, and to realize the things that truly matter.  The things that don't come with a dollar sign attached. That I don't need to flash in someone's face.  My family?  I marvel at how much I love each one of them. How happy I am when we are together.  Our health?  I realize just how fragile health can be and I pray every day for that for all of those I love.

But fancy cars? No thank you.

Fancy jewelry? Nope.

Time with my people? Yes.

All of us healthy and appreciating all we have?

Yes, please.

I am grateful for holidays like today.  The introspection and peace they give me.  The traditions and memories they have created.

I wish you all a beautiful day.

The biggest challenge after success is shutting up about it - Criss Jami

My husband just looked up this woman who replied to a post of his on Instagram. Her reaction to a lift video he posted was all sorts of excited emojis, about 5 or 6 in a row.  Brad saw that, and wondered who she was.  So he went to her website.  Yes, this woman made a whole website about herself.  I was fascinated.  The biography she wrote about herself was all about these over the top activities like sea kayaking in the Arctic ocean looking for narwhals. I kid you not. I mean she had things in there like horseback riding through Kenya, or doing whatever else in Morocco, or climbing seven of the eight tallest mountains, which she wrote about herself in the third person and made it look like it was being written ever so lovingly by someone who admired the heck out of her. I just imagined herself sitting there fist pumping, high fiving herself, putting heart, fireworks and bomb emojis on it after she put the finishing touch on this exquisite dissertation about herself.

As Brad rambled on about all of the stuff she managed to do, which included a trip to the 2015 Crossfit games in the 60+ category (I think this was the only thing that impressed me to be honest) I said rather dismissively, "Wow". Brad countered with, "this is a woman who obviously grabs the world by the balls". I countered that point, "we should all be granted that luxury". And so this blog post was born.

Why does a woman have to do such grandiose things for anyone to think she is "grabbing the world by the balls?"  I don't mean to diminish all that she has done.  Or maybe I am because I feel like there are way more women out there doing things that don't get recognized as "grabbing the world by the balls" because they seem ordinary to the world at large, but they're not.  

I immediately thought of our waitress at our hotel Miami, Amy.  She was such an amazing person to speak to. She is a single mom working two jobs and putting herself through school to achieve a better life we came to learn after having the pleasure of chatting with her.  Why doesn't our society consider this Herculean feat she is accomplishing on a daily basis as awe inspiring as this woman who has a whole website dedicated to all of this stuff I would never think to do as a mom.  I think what Amy is doing is wayyyyy more impressive. SHE is a woman grabbing the world by the balls.  Making it her bitch, all the while doing it alone.  It wasn't like she was writing this bio about herself as if to say, Hey!  Look at me, I'm awesome right?? 

Why do I consider the woman who held her child's hand in the hospital after her child tried to harm herself more impressive?  The woman who promised her child she wouldn't let anything happen to her, that she would be ok. The woman who made it through some of the darkest moments of her life like she was fine and could withstand what was going on so her child would be able to see the calm in her face and know every thing was going to be alright. Why do I consider what she did wayyyy more impressive than the woman who describes herself as a sportsman and intrepid traveler?

What about women who are grappling with whatever illness they have, depression, cancer, diabetes, alcoholism, insert any illness here, and working every day, or raising their family every day?  Trying to make it through when underneath it all somedays they just don't know where the strength is coming from to put one foot in front of another.  Why don't they realize how freaking beast they are and make a website about themselves?  

What about the women out there brave enough to serve in our military? I know I personally wouldn't have the fortitude.  But many women do serve our country. Some who chose to have children, and have families, have to leave them for eons at a time because our country needs them to perform their jobs and provide us with the safety and security so we can go climb mountains if we want to.  I want to see more websites about them!!  Their mountains are way harder to climb than the summit of Everest I think!

What about teachers?  These are women (and men, but I am ranting about women here so I will leave the boys out of this) who truly mold our future.  We all have those teachers that made such an impact on our lives, we remember them, and what they did for us, so fondly. I would rather read an entire website about these women who are underpaid and completely under appreciated, who truly make a difference in our world by helping our children reach their goals.

Or women who volunteer their time at places like animal shelters, food pantries, homeless shelters, shelters for battered women and their children and such? That selflessly give their time to make the lives of the the innocent, the less fortunate better.  Actions like that impact our world with such a positive energy, why is riding on horseback in Kenya something that is supposed to make me more impressed?  I guess for me it doesn't.  But for some reason it doesn't compel many of these Wonder Women to make up their own website because it's doesn't have the wow factor of retracing the footsteps of Lewis and Clark.

I don't know, like I said to Brad I don't mean to sound ugly, but I know so many women who have done things that blow me away who haven't created a website to let the world know just how awesome they are. Who quietly go about doing what they do, making their impact on our world, all without needing to make a website tooting their own horn.  

But, as for this horn tooter whose website got me all riled up?  When I think of every thing she's done, yes I am impressed, and no, I don't want to take any of it away from her.  I think it's awesome you have accomplished so much in your time on this planet.  I think it's important for women to support each other.  But honestly? How did your actions do anything positive for our world at large?  

I think that's exactly why I want see websites about women who are doing nothing that makes them think they are extraordinary too.  

I think we are all extraordinary to people in our lives.  We are all doing something that makes us special, I just wish we all felt what we are doing makes us exceptional enough to have our very own website.

“Humility is the greatest shaper of souls and crafter of character, for it wipes away all the grandiose things that we spend so much of our lives pretending to be, so that we can spend all of our lives being the exceptional person that we were actually created to be.” 
― Craig D. Lounsbrough

You were made perfectly to be loved - and surely I have loved you, in the idea of you, my whole life long. Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Today is my 27th wedding anniversary. I got thinking about the whole institution of marriage.  What it entails to make a marriage work.  Here are the musings of this mad woman, or a woman who is madly in love :)

I texted a friend this morning who texted me and wished us happy anniversary and said that if her marriage is even half of what ours is, she considers herself lucky.  I texted back thank you of course, that is a truly beautiful thing to hear from someone, but I also wanted to remind my pretty newly married friend that marriage won't always be perfect, it isn't always easy, but it is sooooo worth the effort and commitment.

I think that is a pretty true statement.  I thought of my brother's ex-wife strangely enough after I sent that text.  She was a nice enough person, but I always said while she was planning their wedding, that it appeared to me she was more worried about the fairy tale day and not so much about the "happily ever after" part.  I still believe that to be true.  I wonder sometimes if she had thought about what her golden years with my brother would have been like if she would have married him in the first place. Seeing the "ex" in front of the "wife" tells you the answer was a definite no.

I also wonder about people who make a big fuss about the ring.  I can tell you unequivocally I would have married Brad if he just said to me, let's go to a justice of the peace and get married.  I didn't need a ring to promise my heart to him.  I just wanted to be with him.  It made me think of my mom and dad.  No engagement ring, no big fancy wedding, just them getting married.  They didn't celebrate their anniversary that I could remember, I think it was some time in October, but they were together for 43 years before Pop died.  The last 16 of them spent with my mother being a care giver to a man who went through some pretty horrific times.

Marriage vows bounce around inside my head when I think of them-"for richer or poorer"-they had absolutely nothing when they were first married, yet mom didn't leave dad.  They were a team and made the best with what they had.  "in sickness and in health"-Pop was sick for so long, and mom cared for him.  There was never a question in my mind if she would leave like I think would happen in so many marriages today if the going got that rough.  There was probably a good deal of "for better or for worse" that I was unaware of because that's how easy they made it look.

I can remember asking my mom after my dad died if she would ever consider dating again, and she answered me with something I will never forget.  "No"  when I asked why, she told me she had already had the best.  No one else would ever match up.  You know what?  I get that.  I feel that way about Brad.  No one could fill the space in my heart.  I wouldn't even want to bother.  Any man that thinks I am beautiful before I brush my teeth is a keeper in my book hahahaha!

Anyway, I digress.  Today is nothing but happy thoughts.  Of how lucky we are to have each other. How happy I am you love me no matter how ugly I cry or how bad my morning breath is.  How you are my biggest cheerleader and I am yours.  How blessed we are with our girls, their health.  How amazing it is to be Nee and Op.  The list of how lucky we are is truly endless.

I cannot wait to see what the next 27 years hold.  I am putting my tray table in it's upright and locked position and fastening my seat belt.  Our Golden years are coming for us and this is going to be an even more thrilling part of our ride.

I love you to the moon and back!

A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year~Paul Sweeney

Self pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world ~ Helen Keller

I went to a party on New Years Eve afternoon, no not a real party, my husband and I never get invited to those, but a party I think everyone is familiar with.

A pity party.

The day had started off well enough.  Coffee in bed with Brad, one of my favorite things.  I have been getting dizzy a lot, a sensation I could definitely live without.  I have been veering away from my strict, anti-inflammatory diet lately, there were Christmas cookies and other yummy holiday treasures for me to eat after all, and I was feeling it physically. Toss in the stress and the problems that holiday's can bring to family members, and subsequently me, and I was a right, old mess.  No other way to describe it.

As I tottered around after my lovely morning in bed with coffee and my hubby, I felt like I needed a V-8

kind of like I was walking on ice and so off balance it was disconcerting.  But I had planned to work out with Brad.  We didn't go to the New Year's Eve teamer at our Crossfit Box.  We had a slow start, and I needed that.

So we went into our garage.  Our workout was to be 20 calories on the rower, since we only have one here, I chose to ride our assault bike while Brad rowed.  Then we had to do 16 thrusters.  Another 20 calories rowed or ridden, then 17 toes to bar, I chose to do ab mat sit ups.  I had a bit of an issue with my left grip yesterday, like the kind of issue where I dropped a bar that I was doing shoulder to over head lifts with while it was overhead, causing it to smash into my shoulder and then knee on its way down, ergo, I was nervous to hang from the bar to do my toes to bar from.  Three rounds of that and we would be ready for our fun New Years Eve we had planned.

Fast forward about 15 minutes and I was sweaty, hot, and finished.  I had to sit when we were done.  I really couldn't move to be honest.  Walking was difficult.  My stupid left leg was having none of me working out and overheating.  My husband had to navigate me to our bench press bench, I sat there gulping down my ice water as he was said what a great workout we just had.

At that sentiment, I burst into tears.  I was having my own New Years Eve Pity Party!!  I didn't need to wait for an invite from people that would never come.  I was having my own damned party, and I invited Brad.  He had no choice but to accept this invitation, he was going to come to this party.  Isn't he a lucky man???  There were no party hats, or noise makers. Just me making the noise.

I let the tears flow. I was frustrated. I started rambling out loud, pitying myself and how my body was reacting to working out. I was sad, so sad for the athlete I would never be, sad for all of the hard work I have done at Crossfit and weight lifting for the last how many years that seemed to be going to waste. I thought back to the Ironman I did, the marathons, all of the hard fondos on my bike, long swims with the sharks.  All of that would never have a chance of repeating in my life.  I can't run a mile without my left leg dropping and landing like I am wearing a lead boot.  At this point, I was a blithering idiot. Did I mention I am an ugly crier?  All manner of bodily fluids were running down my face by the time I got everything off of my chest that I had been carrying around with me for the last little while. I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off of my shoulders.  This Atlas finally shrugged under the weight of her emotions.

My poor husband.  He just let me go, let me cry and spew the frustration I was feeling.  I was on the wrong side of life at this moment.

So I am sitting there feeling like I was in the darkest place in my world.  I wanted to be on the sunshine, lollipop and rainbows side of my mind.  I didn't like feeling like I did.

Brad let me finish, let me sop up my mess of a face and he told me just what I needed to hear.  That no matter what happened, we would deal with it together.  No matter what came at me, I wouldn't be alone, I wouldn't have to bear this by myself.  Those words comforted me.  I needed to hear that I was loved unconditionally like that.  Time to put your big girl booty shorts on Dee...how do I feel better and get to that happy place?

I thought of my last blog, about being grateful for all that I have.  If there is one thing I am not?  It is a hypocrite. I am really a lucky woman when I sit back and think.  I could be way worse off physically.  I know that.  Know I am lucky to still be able to scale a Crossfit workout to make my way through it.  I guess in a way, that's sort of bad ass right?

Keep thinking Dee.

Alright, I was able to make a wonderful holiday for my family.  I actually prayed and thanked God every time I opened my refrigerator and saw how much food was in there.  What a blessing that is! To have such abbondanza!  It was such a celebration to share all of that with the people I love!

The thoughts continued....

I was doing laundry today and was able to sneak up behind the door as my daughter Erin was coming in the house and scare her, it's still a sport to scare here.  Only to have her give me an exasperated "Dani-yell" in her best imitation of my Grandma Tav saying my name.  How that makes me laugh!  We laughed and got back to folding my clothes that we are able to afford.  The clothes that keep us warm, that I can wash in my fancy, schmancy washer and dryer.  No beating clothes on a rock here lol!

I heard my daughter Katie belly laughing with her boyfriend at something silly, and hear them laugh and laugh.  A sound that I don't think anyone understands how it wraps itself around my heart and warms me from the inside out.  Makes me so glad to hear after she has struggled so desperately with depression, such an ugly condition.

I remember the excitement my daughter Heather experienced flying the drone her dad got for Christmas and learning how to make it flip, how happy she was for her best friend Quinn to come over to ring in the New Year with her, or snuggle like a baby joey in the Eno hammock tent thingee that she got from her sister.  I smile thinking about her coming up to me and asking for a hug or genuinely wanting me to sit and watch some of our favorite shows together.

I chuckle every time I get a text from Bailey gushing about my Antknee's potty training successes.  I break into a huge grin at each text I read from her.  Makes my heart positively sing to see how beautifully she is raising my little man.  I scold myself for worrying what would happen with Anthony entering this world.

I will be able to cheer my husband on and be his biggest fan at Wodapolooza again this year.  How lucky I am to be going to Miami, I am practicing my yelling loud enough so he can hear me already.   I know how lucky I am to have him in my life these last 28 years.  Lucky that I have been gifted with this man who has worked so hard to provide all he has for my family.  We have every thing we need and most of what we want.  Who loves me as purely as he does.  I am so, so blessed.

Yes, I hear that naggy little voice in my ear whispering, "you have everything you need, except perfect health".  No, I don't, but little voice, hear this, I am doing every thing I can in my power to get better. I will live with whatever life throws at me,  I will handle it. Know why? Because I put my big girl booty shorts on and realized just how lucky I am.

I have my husband, my girls, my Antknee.  I have my extended family if I need them, I have four dogs who are convinced I am the best human they have ever met.  I have all of the beauty I have blogged about before.  I am truly lucky, this I know.  Go to hell little voice....


So I close in saying that I might have been given a bad break, but I've got an awful lot to live for.

- Lou Gehrig

“Because thankfulness is the tonic that always cures the cancers of greed, envy and jealously, it should be taken in liberal doses daily.” ― Craig D. Lounsbrough

Most folks are as happy as they make their minds up to be~Abraham Lincoln

Read that statement again.

Now again.

Really consider it.  Are you happy?

I mulled that around in my brain as I was smiling at this nice morning I have planned. I am going to make cookies and clean the house with my soon to be 21 year old daughter, getting ready for her birthday, Christmas and her boyfriend's visit. I laughed at the thought. So simple, yet it made for such a perfect foundation for my day yesterday I was eager to repeat it today. 

Such an epiphany I had....This morning sounds too simple to make someone happy in today's day and age.  I am buying nothing fancy. Not doing anything over the top spectacular by anyone else's standards besides, well, my own.  This day went as well if not better than yesterday.

I had a terrible dream the other night.  I dreamt that we were homeless.  That we lost this house I have complained about for the last 12 years.  Yes, all 4000 or there abouts feet of it, including our third floor.  Yes, I complained about a house that has a third floor.  We had so many problems moving in here, both with construction and neighbors.  Things that I stubbornly and steadfastly have held on to.  So much so it got to the point that I hated it here.  All it took was one simple dream, and a couple of fun mornings with one of my girls, and that smacked my spoiled ass back to reality. How insanely fortunate am I?? Why have I missed this point for so freaking long???  No, it's not the fanciest house, in the fanciest neighborhood, but it is the home where I raise my family.  The home I saved how many homeless animals in?  The home where so many life altering events have occurred.  Some good, some bad, all survived with our family still intact and stronger for them.  The home that keeps us safe and warm, or cool, and protected.  How could I have been so foolish?

The morning after I had that dream, a very dear friend posted a video on his Facebook about the "Disease of More"  Talk about serendipity.  Talk about a video that hit me like a freight train...https://www.facebook.com/thehypenews/?pnref=story

It spoke to me, to my heart, to my brain still struggling with the awful dream I had.  I have been feeling like I am spinning on this giant hamster wheel of I need this!! Or I need that!!  I am here in my home, surrounded by things that many would just dream about, and still I wanted more.  I wasn't enjoying all that I had.  That needed to stop and stop now.  

I was becoming one of those people who try to buy happiness.  Whether it's through fancy cars, jewelry, pools, vacation homes, boats, whatever the possession might be, those people are running on my hamster wheel of I HAVE TO HAVE IT OR I WILL NEVER BE HAPPY.  Look at me!  Look at my fancy clothes, my fancy car, my fancy watch.  I must be doing well for myself, I must be happy right? You mad bro? You jealous bro??  But it begs the question are they happy?  My guess would be no. I know I wasn't. When I googled the question, "will being rich make me happy", I was surprised with the all of the articles stating that the answer is pretty much not necessarily.  That it is not material possessions that make us happy but experiences. 

This blurb from an article from the Motley Fool was very telling and made such sense to me:

Our appetite for self-destruction 

What's so wrong with relishing and embellishing the good? It's costly. Faulty emotional recall makes us do dumb things with our money, like buying cool new stuff that never quite satisfies.

In so many areas, we know when enough is enough. When we're healthy, we don't strive for extreme health. After a good meal, we're sated -- we don't order another filet mignon to augment our satisfaction.

Yet our "pause" button shorts out when it comes to money. The brief pick-me-up that accompanies a raise or windfall (think of it like a caffeine buzz) drives us to want more. We get a raise, spend it, adapt to our improved circumstances, and seek more money, working up a sweat on what University of Southern California economist Richard Easterlin calls the hedonic treadmill.

But somehow the happy-o-meter stays in the same place, or even slows down. Consider that the average American is less satisfied with life today than we were in the 1950s -- yet we earn twice as much (and, yes, that's adjusted for inflation). No wonder they never crown a winner of the rat race.

It would appear the answer is a resounding NO!

All of the sudden I am getting it.

I sat yesterday in our hot tub (yes we have a hot tub and I still was thinking of what next believe it or not) it was freezing outside.  One of those cold days where this sky is an unbelievable shade of blue, looking up at the sky that was a blue that reminds me of one of my daughter's eyes.  I looked over at my husband who sat across from me and I felt so sincerely blessed at that moment.  I have my sight, which with MS is never something I should take for granted.  I was able to appreciate the blue of the sky, appreciate how they remind me of the beautiful blue of my daughter's eyes. I was able to see this gorgeous guy that has been my husband for almost 27 years.  I could see the crinkles by his eyes because he was smiling too. Those crinkles that I have loved, because there is this genuine smile of happiness that goes with them.  I got it.  I felt like this moment from the Grinch....

My heart was swelling and I got it.  How could I have not seen this all before? Why did I miss out on enjoying this so much?  When we finally got out and came inside, I looked around my house and saw how beautifully it was decorated by my girls.  The scene brought me to tears as I truly appreciated all of the care and consideration that went into the decorating.  That I understood I was blessed to have the hot tub, Christmas decorations, a home that was warm after being jolted by the cold. I had a place to go to get warm, that was a safe haven that so many do not have any time of year.  

How could I be so stupid?

I couldn't wait to get back to making cookies with my girl, which we did later in the day.  Knotting those Italian Christmas cookies made me smile as I chattered away with her.  

This is good, this is all good.  

I am done with the Disease of More.  I am replacing it with the Disease of I am so lucky.  Or the Disease of being thankful for all I have.

I explained this all to my girls last night.  How lucky I have been feeling about everything.  How truly grateful I am.  I could see the truth in these statements making sense to them.  I could see it in their eyes.  I want them to celebrate all that they have instead of needing and wanting more thinking it will make them happy. 

I suddenly felt like that moment when the Grinch understands Christmas, He puzzled and puzzed till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before. Maybe Christmas, he thought... doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas, perhaps... means a little bit more!

This is true of life too isn't it?  Happiness doesn't come from a store, it comes from within, it comes from sharing and loving and doing for others.  It comes during moments of grace when the sky is so blue it's almost blinding.  It comes when a little voice says, 'Mon Nee, 'mon, and his little hand grabs you to see what is so important in his world at that moment... It comes when you are greeted with a bunch of wagging tails too excited to see you after being gone five minutes. It comes when the man you love looks over at you and smiles his genuine smile and crinkles his eyes up.

I never want to forget this lesson I've been lucky enough to finally learn.

The Disease of More?  Nope, for me it's now the Disease of No More.  

“Do not indulge in dreams of having what you have not, but reckon up the chief of the blessings you do possess, and then thankfully remember how you would crave for them if they were not yours.” 

― Marcus Aurelius