No Excuses....

After my performance on Sunday, I had a long, hard look at things. There were moments of grace, I did better on the bike, thanks honey for your Flashpoints, felt great on my swim and fizzled on my run. I was chatting with my husband about it all and he said one thing that really made sense to me "no more excuses". How true, how true....I can continue to compete at the level I am, train at the level I am and place the level I do. And continue to make excuses, I'm afraid of passing out from my medicine, I am afraid of what will happen because of my MS. Or I can try a different tact. What's the saying, Go hard or go home? I have to admit the thought scares me. It scares me a bunch. What if I do pass out, like my husband said, someone's going to see you, they won't run over you, or at least they won't step on you and they'll get you some help. The whole MS thing doesn't really hold water either. Anything that happens when I over heat goes away, it's a pseudo-exacerbation, and overheating won't cause a real exacerbation anyway. I know that, but still it's scary when your vision gets all fluky, you know?

So why then, does this really scare me. I believe it's because I am afraid of disappointing myself. Ah, there it is, I feel sort of rubbed raw tender saying that out loud. But that is the truth my blogosphere friends. I am afraid to set higher goals then what I have in place right now. Really, coming in 14th out of a field of 47 is nothing to sneeze at, another point my husband made. But coming in top 5 has to feel pretty freaking good. So yes, I am setting my goals. I want optimal performance from this body. It may be too late someday and I don't want to have any regrets. I know somewhere in here is a top five finishing triathlete who is dying to bust out.

I know it's not realistic to hope for that this season, I don't know that there is enough time to train to get there, to get to the top five. What if I try my hardest and barely crack the top ten, what if......wait a minute, today starts No Excuses racing for me. So NO EXCUSES, I am off to swim 2000 meters hopefully I don't pass out....hahaha, NO EXCUSES!!

Wondering how I did, well here ya go...

Okay, I am semi satisfied with how I did. I had hoped to break 1 hour 15 minutes, I was off by three minutes, wahhhhhhh. However, I did wind up finishing almost 4 minutes faster then this race last year so there's something. At first, I thought I had finished same time as I did last year, so I was sad. I felt like, well crap, nothing got better. So it soothed me sort of to see I did do better. It made me try and analyze things too. I need to work on my run. It has been so slow going trying to get better since last summer and the Lisinopril debacle. But now I know I can run at least 9 minute miles, or there abouts. I need to push myself more during my training.

I am anxious to see my results. The best time I had for this particular course is 1 hour 16 minutes. I should really remind myself, that even with MS, I finished better then a bunch of people without it. But truly, I don't think that argument holds water. We all step up to the starting line with something we have to deal with.

On that note, I am going to go take a nap. I might blog more later, and I might not. Still in a gray and dreary mood sadly....Maybe a bbq, and a beer will make me feel better and hanging with the man who still puts butterflies in my tummy....Let the healing begin, at least 4 minutes of it!

Dreary day before my first tri

So I sit here, looking at the results from my previous Shady Grove Sprint tris and wonder what will be tomorrow. First race of the season for real this time. First race with my new wheels, those Eastons I got for mother's day are sah-weet, first race with my new saddle, my butt hurts a lot less thank you Adamo, first race....

Why am I not excited? Usually I have these butterflies and a hopeful heart that something good will happen. Maybe this time I can race and be done in an hour and fifteen minutes? Where is that subconscious thought?? Hello, hello, hello....All I hear is an echo in my head.

My running is terrible. I am still struggling to get back to where I was before this whole thing with my blood pressure hit (which still pisses me off when I think about all the exercise I do and I still have to take medication). If I am turning a 9 minute mile I am lucky, seriously. Maybe I can make the time difference up on my bike? My biking has gotten stronger. Hills in Tarrington, doing that half Century, trying to keep up with and drafting off of Brad etc. But still I am blah. Even my blogging has been half hearted. The frustrated writer in me is, well, frustrated I guess.

Maybe it's hormonal, maybe I am just a craggy wench right now. But I don't think that's it either. Part of me wishes Brad was still my training buddy, but he is so far out of my league. He's in with the big boys, the Ironman club. A club I cannot even try to get in until my kids are grown and not needing me so much. Do I still resent the fact that he did one without me, I don't think that's it...

Summer is coming and I definitely need a break from the hectic life I put myself in this year. I don't regret a minute of it, but my training get the least amount of my attention when I try to be a good mom to my four girls. It will be nice to not have school stuff interfere with training stuff too.

So on this dreary gray day, I wonder in my dreary way, what will happen tomorrow, dunno, but I guess I will find out won't I?

Races cancelled, plans to make....

So, this season started out with a fizzle more then a bang. We had our race calendar set to start this past weekend. Brad was starting on Saturday with his Wintergreen ascent. Then the Muddy Buddy, which holds a place close to my heart because it was how I dipped my toes in the ever addictive race font how many years ago now, 4 maybe? That didn't happen. Then we were doing Knoxville. The Rev3 Oly had my name written all over it. I was following a training plan, getting ready for it, feeling as confident as a reluctant triathlete could, but we are going to have to cancel, like we did the Muddy Buddy. Partially, due to my husband re-injuring his ribs, making it all but impossible to swim and run, partially due to the fact that our lives have been a non-stop, living, traveling, volunteering, room momming hell.

Brad graciously offered to go anyway to Knoxville and watch me compete. He is my best and biggest fan ever, and I would have taken him up on that if I hadn't been traveling every weekend since the beginning of April. Between that and my volunteering responsibilities, I feel so overwhelmed. I haven't had the time to breathe, let alone get ready for one more trip.

I like to think that the "Big Man Upstairs", as my dad affectionately called Him, was letting us know, in His own way, that it is time to slow ourselves down. That maybe Brad's re-injury is His way of saying, enough! You've been doing too much lately and something is going to give, namely you!! We are trying to reschedule the Rev3 for next year, we take it easy this weekend, and come out stronger for it. When my first race comes, I will be ready, and will be able to enjoy it instead of it being one more thing I have to slog through.....

So I will take this reprieve happily, get ready for my new first race, and hopefully pull out a great finish for me. We got handed some lemons at the start of the race season. I am enjoying a glass of lemonade, care for one with me?

New Years Day run and onward...

When my husband convinced me I needed to run with our fun friends on New Year's Day, I finally said yes with much trepidation. These people are great athletes but also a great time to be around, so I said yes. There's nothing like being firmly behind everyone for the whole run, but I was. We ran the trails in the city so the scenery was really beautiful. My running pals graciously waited for me at very scenic locations so I could catch my breath. But it kind of stinks when all you see is everyones back and have no one to talk to for 7 miles.

Truth be told, running has been the last thing on my mind. The holidays came, and did I mention we had a lovely stomach virus run through our family? Realistically speaking, in the days that we had it I might have gotten 4 hours of sleep total through those nights. Four kids, four viruses, and one me wide awake for way too many nights. That started the last two days of school before Holiday Break started. It set up the perfect scenario for me to get sick. And sick I did get. On the drive up to NY two days before Christmas Eve I lost my voice, then I got this chest cold. I couldn't talk for a week. I was up most of the night coughing my brains out. It was a pretty awful being that sick for Christmas, at least I didn't get that stomach virus like Brad did on Christmas Eve night. God bless him he was sicker then a dog. All I did was hack my lungs up. I am still dealing with some lingering reverberations.

I tried to work out, tried to do stuff. I did ride the trainer hoping for some aerobic benefit. I did short runs, 2 miles here, 3 miles there. We ran for almost 7 miles on New Years Day. At one point during our run everyone was running with someone, except for me. I was behind by a couple of lengths when we happened on a guy with two dogs off the leash. Well the German Sheppard dog trotted along side me, I reached over and scratched his head, then his owner said, "He's checking to see if you have any treats, he won't bother you for long if you don't have them" On cue the pooch doubled back to his owner and I said out loud "even a dog doesn't want to run with me". Kind of funny, almost a scene out of the Jerk. But it was what it was. I caught everyone when we got to the parking lot, we all chatted and laughed and enjoyed each other's company until we all got cold and said our goodbyes.

Fast forward to this weekend. Did I mentionSaturday was the first day of our 10k training team, and I knew it was going to be bad. I still cough like crazy if I run more then three miles, I still have a stuffy nose. Anyway, Brad convinced me I would be okay. It was billed as an easy 6 mile run, a distance I have done only once in the last month at least. It was supposed to be at conversational pace, a jolly jog if you will. But noooooooooooooooooooooooooo, what did I expect from the local road runners club? They said go, and that's all she wrote. I am in the slowest group mind, the 49 to 55 minute 10k group and my group took off like a dirty shirt in a wind storm. By the time we were at mile two, I was wheezing and one of our coaches turned around and ran back to me to check and see if I was alright. Once again, did I mention it was totally uphill until that point??? I had fallen off of the pace big, big, time. We finally decided I would turn around and run the two plus miles back to the start. I won't get into the fact that it was the stupidest thing I have ever done, running through the City by myself to the Cafe where we started. Did I mention the start is in an area that is being re-gentrified? It occurred to me when I encountered a group of young men, and I use that term loosely, that were across the street from me a few blocks to the Cafe we all started from. I guess they saw me notice them noticing me. I know I am not too far away from the start, that if I book it, I could get back to safety. One of them did make a move across the street. Was it towards me, hell if I know. I took off like I had rocket shoes on, cut through a lot, and made it to the Cafe. FAILFAILFAILFAILFAIL did I mention FAIL in a major way? Ugh! I felt like such a freaking LOSER. Not only did I not make the distance, I almost got myself mugged along the way. I felt so out of my league, I felt like a beginner. I know better then to be by myself anywhere like that. I was too busy dressing myself down for not being able to run the whole way to pay attention to my personal safety. Now I am pondering if I continue with the team or not. I just do not know. I do not want to be left alone in the city again, I don't want to be the only person who can't make the whole way.

Today we had a 4-10 mile training run on our 10k training team plan. It was 30 degrees and there were winds up to fifteen miles an hour. But Brad was a trouper and said he'd run with me. We did a 10k. I forced myself to run the whole thing, I got nauseous, felt like I was going to pass out at points, but I refused to stop. I need to be able to run at least six miles, I need to be able to run at least six miles well. So I did it. I was a sorry sight I am sure, but I ran it. Tomorrow we have a rest day, I think I will ride the bike.

I need to increase my aerobic endurance. I AM going to increase my aerobic endurance. I can do this can't I? I have run how many half marathons, a full marathon, how many tris have I done??? I can do this right? This training team will be nothing when all is said and done right?? But did I mention I am getting sick again??????

It's the little things

You know after my little pity party with my last post, I felt better. I had to remind myself that I had some pretty good races last season. I had a PR for a 5k, and this came the day after I had PR'd my 5k in a triathlon the day before. I smoked that triathlon for me, and was really happy. So there were little victories along the way. Not all dismal and terrible like I would have you believe.

There's the thing, for the Yin of my season there was the definite Yang. I guess I figured the mojo would keep up even when my training wasn't there. Of course, that didn't happen. Did I want to be extremely critical of my last season or did I want to stomp my foot and complain, did I fail myself, or did the Race Gods just have it in for me??? Ah, one of life's lovely little conundrums to ponder. Yes I had a lousy Half Marathon for the Patrick Henry. I might have been able to make myself run through the toenail coming off and how freaking much that hurt, but why? At that point I was still running my marathon. Why risk injuring myself even worse when that was supposed to just be a training run. I kept it in perspective that day. I guess it's when my season so unceremoniously unravelled the way it did is when in my mind the "whole season sucked".

I needed to take care of my blood pressure. That medicine I started taking has been doing wonders for me truly. My blood pressure is in a low normal range. Even if I skip a day by accident, my blood pressure is still good. My training has been getting better. I still sweat more then I am accustomed to, but if I hydrate more during my training session it helps.

The next thing I need to consider is what I am going to do the 2010 season. Do I throw all caution to the wind, train like I am a pro, and see what happens? What happens if my body fails me? I think that is why I have always held back. Always used that as my crutch when I train, when it got hard, and hurt, I would ease up. Ever afraid of falling, not feeling my legs etc. But really, in my heart I know even if that happened it is just temporary. I have to admit when I have the visual problems after a hard workout, and I cannot get them to go away as quickly as I'd like, I freak a little. It is scary going from clear vision, to Holy Cow, I can't see anything clearly, it's like looking at an overly staticky TV or something. That's scary, but that too goes away as my body readjusts. I want to say I am going to crush 2010, I want to say I am going to blow the doors off of my 3 previous seasons, I want to say I will be on the podium once this year, just once, once in my life, but I am scared. Scared of my body failing to listen as I work hard to achieve that.

And there it is, I am afraid to go for a season like that because I am afraid I can't do it. It's one thing to say you can't do it, and another to really not be able to. I haven't put myself in that situation yet, and I am afraid to try I think.

So I have time. Time to decide. I know my husband and I are signing up for a master swim program that meets 3 times a week. I will improve my technique exponentially, improve my endurance and speed, and that's a good thing. I am signed up for my first race of the tri season and it's an Oly. Not starting with a sprint, but an Oly. So my training will be hard to start right away, but that's okay too. I want to drop another 15 or so pounds. Christie Wellington became a real force to be reckoned with this season after she dropped all of her excess poundage. That I can start on right now. If I keep up even mildly training I should be good through the holidays.

Things to think about, I guess I need to just keep telling myself if anything happens to me while I am training it won't be permanent. That as long as I cool down I should be okay right?? I really want to go hard this season, go hard or go home as they say. I am sitting at home, I did for too many races on my calendar this season and HATED it, so I guess it's go hard right?

Where Have I Been You Must be Wondering....

Yeah, yeah, I know, long time, no write, but truthfully I haven't felt much like revelling in any accomplishment of mine lately, they have been far and few between. I don't even remember my last races I wrote about. I think the last triathlon I did was the Richmond Sprint. I braved that one after not training much, and hoped that I could pull something out of myself. The swim was actually pretty much on target for me for a 400 meter swim, the bike was okay and the run was so so. I finished in 1 hour 29 minutes. Kind of pathetic compared to what it could have been.

I had pretty much made my decision not to run the marathon after missing almost 2 months of run training. I am not saying I didn't run, I did, but I was doing 3 miles here and there, still feeling like crap. I do lead the fifth graders for run club on Thursdays and that is nice enough and a gratifying experience. But I am not leading them on a 20 mile long run, or for speed workouts at the track. It all kind of went downhill when I started the medicine. It stung like crazy to back out of that, it was my Ironman of the season. The culmination of all that I trained for and it didn't happen. It felt like another humiliating kick in the crotch for me, but hey, that's that's the way my season went this year. Some good, some bad, mostly mediocre.

So I lived through my husband's Ironman, and him being away many weekends racing, in places like Bermuda, while I held down the fort. I would love to say I was gracious about it but for obvious reasons, it was really hard. I was pretty much over the whole single mom thing, and hearing about Ironman stuff, and living and eating and breathing it for the last year of my life. It would be different if I were training for it too, but I wasn't, so it is what it is. I am most definitely proud of him for doing such a stellar job, really I am and was, but I was still smarting that I wasn't running my marathon. I dunno, it really bugged me. It kind of stunk that my husband felt he needed to volunteer at the marathon today too. I guess I am being a whiner, but whatever, it's how I feel so there pftbpttt.

Anyway, we are setting up a race calendar for next year and I hesitate to show any excitement. I mean why get excited if I have another crap season? I don't know that my husband understands. He wills his body to do something and it does it. Sometimes I want to scream, I try so hard and have nothing to show for it many times. The only good thing about our first triathlon of the season is the fact it will be in Knoxville, TN and I will be seeing my best friend in the whole, wide, world that weekend too, and her family. It was a motivating factor, and my husband knew it would be. As is stands right now we are doing the Ukrops 10K in March, nothing for me as it stands now in April, the Muddy Buddy, the Rev3 Olympic distance in Knoxville and the Power Sprint in May, the MS 150 and I love the tavern in June, the NYC Olympic in July, the Pink Power in August and the Richmond sprint in October. Ta-da, I would normally get that wonderful jumpy feeling in my belly, that chomping at the bit feeling that I get at the thought of race day, but not so right now. I am feeling a sense of dread, like what kind of season will it be? Plus I am freaking out that people I don't really want to have to deal with are talking about doing these tris too. Yuck...I want to kick some serious ass now, but I am truly doubting myself and my ability to do anything anymore, I know wah, wah, wah....poverina.

Okay, while I am complaining, I hate to sound like a green female, but when my husband gushes over other girls and their finishes and how well they do, it irks the living hell out of me. And don't get me started on how pissy I get when I see all of these girls paying him mind and fawning all over him for how well he does. It's like back off ladies, but I am sure it's just me being a green female like I said. He's oblivious even though I see....

To top it all off, I stopped training about 6 days ago. I think I just got burnt and disappointed, so there you have it. I believe I need to start blogging again, start writing about everything to keep track and maybe I will have a record when there is a hiccup in my racing. There's a thought. Maybe one I will stick to now that I am not holding down the fort by myself anymore.

My husband asked me what we were having for breakfast tomorrow morning, I even went to church tonight so we would have our first Sunday morning together in a million years. It was music to my ears, what a nice thought to be having, don't know what it will be, but I do know I won't be alone in my breakfast journey tomorrow morning. Might not be a 100 mile bike ride, but I don't think his rump will be as sore when we're done!